A shark, a crocodile and a giant spider walk into a bar.
There’s no punchline. It’s just a typical night in Australia.
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A lot to unpack here…
But…girl rabbits don’t either.
Also…does Christ lay eggs?
[inventing the toaster]
engineer: Ok it burns the bread if you put it at 4
chief engineer: perfect. Make it go up to 8
Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.
Today I caught my grandpa urinating with the door open. Which is no big deal, but it’s annoying when I’m trying to drive.
“You’re unemployed 364 days a year. It’s not that sexy.”
–Mrs. Cupid
Wife: I think the washer went out
Me: What time will it be back?
Wife: Please get my suitcase
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
There’s no need to panic; Taco Bell is offering free gas with every meal
I’m equally comfortable holding a guitar as I am holding a baby, I just hold them both by the neck
Autocorrect changed cute dimple to cute pimple and now he won’t reply to my messages.
Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.
Ever since I started going to the gym everyday I can really see a difference in how accomplished I am as a liar.
MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.
GOOD COP: cover me!
DAD COP: *tucks him in* snug as a bug
I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.
REVOLUTION HAS BEGUN!!!
Hairless cats look like the devil screwed up a possession.
Remember, parents: your children look to you for guidance. Kids are dumb like that.
I built a tricycle pram tonight
*adds bike mechanic to the resume*
I think I’m a good looking guy from a distance.
As long as that distance is 300 miles.
The Rainforest Cafe isn’t realistic enough for me. Part of the restaurant should burn down by the time you finish your meal.
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.
8YR OLD: dad, why do spiders not stick to their own webs?
ME: [remembering I asked the same question when I was smoking pot at a party in college] are…are you high right now?
[Amphibian Playground]
BULLFROG: look at all u lil toad nerds
TOAD: help! a BULLYfrog!
TEACHER SNAKE: i’ll handle this *eats everyone*
My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.
WTF. I was looking right at her.
Twitter is like:
funny joke
funny joke
funny joke
HORRIFIC IMAGE YOU CAN NEVER UNSEE
funny joke
funny joke
angry guy who didn’t get the joke
ME: i don’t trust salesmen
SALESMAN: OH MY GOD LOOK OUT FOR THAT CAR
ME: oh shit where
SALESMAN: right over here isn’t she a beaut
I got a $25 gift card to Sephora so I had to come up with $759.67 of my own money to make up the difference on my purchase
Teenager: *eats three corn dogs and a row of Chips Ahoy* mom what’s for dinner
I keep smelling ammonia in my apartment so obviously my organs are failing and I’m going to die. Or a neighbor is cleaning.