How to place cats on green screens using Adobe After Effects everywhere
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that little alien would be worth a lot more if it was in the original box, always keep the box for stuff like that
Mermaid: I lay the eggs
Merman: and I fertilize them
Meredith: I’m Edith, I like to watch
Who called it a washer repairman and a not a spin doctor?
Caught my cats filing nuisance lawsuits again.
If I knew you in high school and your Facebook profile picture is a baby I’ll assume you’re Benjamin Button and unfriend you.
why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare
Jeff Bezos this morning:
“Alexa, end my marriage”
My husband has Tourette’s Syndrome—
every time he drives.
If you’re afraid of a book’s influence on the young, banning or burning it is foolish. Assign it in an English class and you will destroy it within a generation.
Lisa never talks about her younger brother, Lava Lampanelli.
me: so how do i look
eye doc: terrible
me: think glasses would help
eye doc: no i can see you fine
We had to cut our 2yo off from YouTube. Like any addict, he hasn’t responded well to going cold turkey but his irises aren’t red anymore so that’s good news.
Remember that time that thing happened and you laughed when you weren’t supposed to laugh? People are still mad about that.
I love playing catch with my dogs when I’m drunk, because I don’t have dogs when I’m sober.
Whenever I see an empty pizza box in a neighbor’s garbage can, I get jealous someone had a better night than I did.
Uh oh I opened a package of cookies without washing my hands first and for my family’s safety will have to eat the whole thing
Bill Withers: Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone.
Twitter: *There is no
It’s entirely possible the recipe didn’t say burn it on the outside, undercook it on the inside and aim for a large dip in the middle but here we are
[god creating hotdogs]
inflate that worm
Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.
I have an irrational fear that I’m accidentally making up words. I don’t want to be misunderstandable.
Dr. Seuss would have CRUSHED it on 8 Mile.
Realtor Dog: if you’d like to buy this house, pee here… and here
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
Ron Swanson with nurse:
Is there a history of mental health disorders in your family?
“I have an uncle who does yoga”
[Heaven]
God: Sorry I pulled you away from earth
Stan Lee: Nuff said!
God: It’s just part of the job
Stan Lee: well with great power… [winks]
Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.
Apparently yesterday was World Homeopathy Day. Homeopathy is so useless, even its awareness day doesn’t get noticed. Maybe they should try diluting it across several months?
My daughter called Neapolitan ice cream “three-way” ice cream & I’m not sure I’ll correct her cuz I’m a horrible person & it makes me laugh.