If you see a dog locked in a car on a hot day, it’s legal to teach it how to hotwire the vehicle and drive off in search of a better life.
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-Where was I conceived, dad?
Dad: Ahh *rubs back of neck* At the Bellagio in Las Vegas.
-Rly?
Dad: Wd I lie to u, Bestwestern Broomcloset?
My name is Irving Markowitz.
You took my seafood.
Prepare to die.
tall people make me nervous. what the hell are you doing up there? stop eating the leaves off that tree
If you’ve been waiting me to drop a lent tweet, I tried coming up with one and gave up.
If you made her sweat, sweat till she can’t sweat no more, perhaps you should have taken a water break. Dehydration is dangerous.
Have kids, so people who drink their own bath water can critique your cooking.
My husband just informed me that he’s been driving around for the past two years with a katana and a couple of sai in his trunk. He was like “I’m sure I told you about them” and I was like you absolutely did not tell me about the mortal kombat weapons in your car
People think I’m a hugger, but I’m actually shaking them down for snacks.
[A bengals fan watching Titanic] I can’t wait until the end when Jack and Rose get married
IKEA Customer Services: hello, how may we help?
me: I seem to be missing a couple of parts
IKEA CS: could you describe the missing pieces?
me: well, where to begin…
I have way too much responsibility for someone who still isn’t sure if 12pm is noon or midnight.
I’m in charge of the team-building activity at the next staff meeting, I guess we’re all getting new tattoos.
dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
I’m thinking of a color between 1 and 10. Correct guessers get a lollipop.
Any real fan knows the T in Thor is silent.
it’s cool that your dog can fetch & obey commands but my cat can vomit on the bedspread so quietly that i don’t even wake up and you can’t teach that sort of thing
Told my husband I was packed and ready to go even though my flight doesn’t leave for 12 hours, and he offered to take my suitcases to the car as if I really am packed and ready to go 12 hours early.
Just a reminder that you’re not allowed to hit your coworkers. Even if they’re stupid.
I asked.
Twice.
The voices are having a huge argument tonight, I’m just hoping to fall asleep before the rational one drags me into it.
[Knock at the door]
Man: Can we talk to you about Jesus?
Mary: What’s he done this time?
Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you
13yo: Unless you really want some hand!
Guys are always ‘just kidding’ unless you say yes
a robber breaking into my house and putting two left shoes on my feet so when I wake up to chase after him I just run in a circle
No one:
Cats: When they say “get off” ignore them, we’re cats.
I wish I loved anything as much as fitbit loves not giving me credit for all the steps I walked whilst looking for my lost fitbit.
me: you’ve changed since you go the pfizer vaccine
Jepfpf: no I haven’t
Geopfpf: I think she was talking to me
The Sun’s definitely gay. No straight celestial body hugs you with rays of warm light.
The waiter who’s drawn the short straw today steps up to my table with a gulp.
Him: Fresh Parmesan?
Me: MAKE IT RAAAAIN!
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.