I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.
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1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. MeThings my wife doesn’t want in cider
I let that asshole into traffic and he can’t even oh look he’s waving we’re friends now.
I feel like calling it a “nervous system” was just setting me up for failure.
‘I’ll cut a bitch.’
– veterinarian explaining his spaying procedure
Me: have i eaten refried beans right out of the can? yes. did i commit light treason in the 80s using my american express traveler’s checks? maybe. do i try to steal one thing every time i go to the grocery store? absolutely
judge: juror number four, you’re excused
Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.
[Quiz show]
Host: “Stephen that is the… CORRECT ANSWER!!”
Me: “Oh my. I can’t believe it!”
Host: “Congratulations! You have won Who Wants to Win a Million Bears!”
Me: “This is amaz- what did you just say?”
Them: I’ve got athlete’s foot
Cop: wh-where’s the rest of the body
He just always looks at me like I’ve wronged him
i would take so many bribes if i was a judge. half my shit would be bribes. take bribes from the criminals until theyre too poor to do crime
Always the kidnapper, never the kidnapped
Dating Tip:
Surprise the woman you are courting with a bouquet of cats
Three boxes of the same cereal in the pantry are a sign I should consider using a shopping list at the supermarket rather than just winging it.
STYLIST: “What are you thinking?”
HIM: “This might sound weird…”
STYLIST: “Try me.”
HIM: “What if Abraham Lincoln and John Lennon gave birth to a fidget spinner?”
STYLIST: “I got this.”
[God creating teenagers]
What’s the most expensive way to be ignored?
Gas is so cheap right now, I just buy a new car when I run out.
i just realized my “for you” feed is actually as enjoyable a scroll as my “following” feed and i’ve never been more devastated in my life
Wondering if Cap’n Crunch ever made Admiral. Or did he get stuck in a perpetual loop of sugary bureaucracy?
The cashier probably looked at me funny for buying 4 gallons of ice cream because she didn’t realize I was planning ahead for two entire weeks.
Me to waiter: “I’m eating for 2.”
Waiter: “Oh, you’re pregnant?”
Me: “No, my sister was supposed to meet me here, but she can’t make it.”
Please stop adding touchscreens to cars most of these idiots can barely drive as it is
[grocery store]
Me (chewing): why are these grapes expensive
Cashier: We know ppl eat them before they pay
Me (still chewing): well I never
Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.
There are 3 types of pain… 1.) Pain. 2.) Excruciating Pain. 3.) STEPPING ON A LEGO!
Seize the day. Attack the week. Murder the month. Approach your life in a generally violent way.
According to WebMD, I either have the Ebola virus or I just sat on my car keys :/
[at subway]
And just a little lettuce.
*the guy starts backing a truck full of lettuce toward my sandwich & the truck is beeping*
No wait.
Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.
He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?
We flip out at the weatherman when he gets it wrong like twice a month. In the 1600s, if you guessed the weather correctly even once, they’d call you a witch and burn you at the stake.
Playdough smells better than other philosophers