FRIEND: haha she’s so cute—say it for him honey
HER TODDLER: the moon is cheeeeese
ME: well what have we here, a tiny liar
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Good morning to everyone except idiots who see you eating your fries and still ask “are you going to finish these?”
Mom bod is what happens when you spend too many years cleaning the kids’ plates.
With your tongue.
My boss said I have a lot of emotional intelligence which I think is his way of saying, “we’re worried about your actual intelligence”
It’s not that I don’t care about your opinion but everyone has one. They’re everywhere. You can’t walk without tripping on one. They’re falling from the sky now, lurking in dark alleys. One time a strong opinion threw me on its shoulder & carried me off like a Viking marauder.
Her: I’ve travelled the world and the 7 seas…
Me: That’s redundant. Seas are part of the world.
Her:
Her: Some of us want to abuse you.
Right before you die, maybe yell out something funny, like “hi God- wait a minute, YOU’RE NOT GOD”
Local community Facebook pages are like:
“When is garden bin collection day?”
– “Ours is this Friday, but I don’t live in your area”
– – “This Friday is my daughter Leslie’s birthday”
Her:[watching sunset]”Best date ever! Nothing can ruin this mo..”
*crunching sounds*
Me:[eating live Monarch butterflies out of a ziplock]
Just saw Stuart Little hit a kid and keep driving
Seeing a lot of people questioning how a bridge that big can collapse that quickly, so as someone with an engineering degree, I’ll try to break it down from a technical perspective:
Bridges aren’t designed to withstand a giant ship crashing into them. Hope that helps!
[the Schrödinger home – Vienna, 1897]
“You see? She is both dead and al-”
“Erwin, let your cousin out of the bathroom. NOW.”
gym bro: “dude are you using disney+ to watch rapunzel’s tangled adventure in between sets?”
me:
White people only love Cinco de Mayo because it has mayo in it
I hate when people ask if my newborn is a “good baby” and I have to tell them that he cries a lot and about how he keeps robbing banks
In case you needed to hear it:
Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?
Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.
{football huddle}
hey are you guys mad at me?
Jeez, men read so much into it when you ask if they’ll riot by your side in the water wars
At this point my only chance at getting thinner is going to a paint store.
Heaven is like arriving at Disneyland. Hell is like still being at Disneyland three weeks later.
I got kicked off Wikipedia for adding “obviously” to the end of every article.
My ice maker broke and now I have to make ice, in trays.
I’ll be on Pinterest looking for a recipe.
SORTING HAT: this kid’s a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin
WIFE: you forgot to run the dishwasher again, didn’t you?
ME: [drinking milk from a flower vase] no, why?
Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?
Rebecca Black: *inhales*
I don’t get angry at my husband when he annoys me. I just drink his favourite Scotch.
Me: Give me some space, I’m feeling claustrophobic
8 whispers to 9: Leave Mom alone, she has to poop but she can’t
[Oregon Trail 1852]
Doctor: Any final words?
Man dying of dysentery: *coughing* I just hope that this gruesome experience isn’t made into a game for children to play.
If you don’t know what to say, people absolutely love talking about potatoes
one time on mushrooms i decided i should be living off nuts & seeds like a little squirrel, so I went to Whole Foods and blew my whole paycheck on nuts & seeds. then all week I had no money and DID have to live off nuts & seeds, and let me tell you I WAS SO WRONG. it sucked