If you give someone some Beethoven CDs for a gift and they don’t like it, you can always take them Bach
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Cop: License and registration, please.
Me: Sure, can you hold my beer?
I run up to the firefighter as he drags another charred body out of my burning home. “Did you see a zip disk labeled POEMS in there?”
17: Want to see a movie?
Me: Sure.
17: Afternoon show only, so no one sees us together.
Me: Ok. *Posts pic on IG. Tags all her friends.
Nothing says “I’m stubborn” like owning a BlackBerry in 2013.
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
Sadly, no one came and cleaned my house while I was on vacation.
In the midst of getting dressed, I got a notification that my painted lady caterpillars were delivered four minutes ago, so I happily ran down the stairs to go get them and realized right before I got to the front door that I HAVE NO TOP ON.
“What would Jesus do?” is an unfair question. He had superpowers. Your lifeboat is sinking. WWJD? Well, he’d get out and walk to shore. See?
[school teacher job interview]
Can I ask you some questions?
I don’t know CAN you?
haha impressive [stands] welcome aboard!
me: *holding bowling ball*
friend: going bowling?
me: nope— playing enormous marbles
Go to a botanical garden? Haha, yeah, okay. Like I want to pay money to walk through a giant salad
Sometimes I think about when my 2 friends asked me to play the board game “Risk.” They were both smart & ultracompetitive, & focused on annihilating each other. Nonstop trash talk. They forgot I was playing until suddenly they realized I had taken over the world & won the game.
Thankful public education taught us Algebra instead of how to do taxes. Because 2 things are certain:
1) Death
2) The Pythagorean Theorem
*pulls up to drive thru window
Hi yes, do you guys deliver?
[christmas eve]
SON: i’m gonna stay up late and catch santa claus!
ME: listen kiddo, about santa
SON: yea?
ME: [whispering] he could snap u in half like a damn twig
SON: what
ME: he’s wily too. like a jackal
When people ask me why I’m “confined” to a wheelchair, it makes it sound like a prison sentence. I want to say something like, “I ate too many free samples at Costco. I’ll be out in seven months.”
I realized taking dogs for walks is basically their way of checking social media. One lap of smells is a newsfeed scroll. Peeing is posting.
ME DRIVING THE TURTLES OUT OF IRELAND: This is taking forever.
I don’t care what pasta costs because it’s worth every penne.
Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there
I’m so sick of everyone asking if I *really* hate my kids. They’re just jokes, people. Annoying, inconvenient jokes who are ruining my life.
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wearing my wife’s clothes standing in the mirror.
Me: *mouths I love you*
Him:
M: *blows kiss*
H:
M: *adjusts my pajama top*
H: *empties the can & hops onto the side of the garbage truck*
“Do you want to be the numerator or the denominator tonight…? You’re so radical!” How I hit on my imaginary mathematician girlfriend
If you’re worried that technology will take over remember humans develop technology & we’re surprised how hot it is in the summer. Always.
Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.
As a teen: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
As a dad: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.
Me: I will not be tricked into buying stuff I don’t need.
Ad: Buy 4, get one free.
Me: I’ll take 10 then.
Let’s tell the truth cell phone. I don’t have six missed calls. I have six ignored calls.
Just took my 3 dogs to the vet, so the family will be feasting on ramen noodles, beans, and no name chips for the next few months. At least the dogs are taken care of.