I honestly don’t have time for subtweets.
Especially from you-know-who.
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me: omg I love these *leans in* Alexa, hello. hello Alexa. can you hear me?
son: Dad, that’s grandma’s urn
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet grape was just eaten by his twin sister
Today I want to talk about how someone (the neighbor’s daughter) screamed so loudly about getting a new car (happy birthday) we thought someone was being murdered.
#dalle2
Batman cuts off a seemingly innocuous driver in the Batmobile, only to deal with the driver later, with the help of Superman #ChangingBanes
Starting another round of pottery classes. I may just be a beginner, but I’m feeling inspired. What should I make tonight?
a. A bowl
or
b. A bowl
Not to split hairs, but I called you “haughty,” not “hottie.”
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Whatcha dooooin’?
911: Sir, are you in danger?
Me: *giggles* You’re always so worried, but I’m fine, silly
If you’re trying to console someone who has a tattoo with their ex’s name on and they just broke up, don’t say ‘haha that’s tattoo bad.’
My dog’s the one that’s getting chonky, so why do I have to exercise too?
*showing friend my new place*
Me:(sitting)And this is my mocking chair.
Him:Don’t you mean rocking chair?
Me:DoN’t YoU mEaN rOcKiNg ChAiR?
A great part of video game culture is how you can purchase a night at an inn, and you wake up with full health.
I’ve been to many hotels before, this does not actually happen.
It’s beginning to look a lot like *Christmas.
*the kids are doing what they’re told so I stop threatening to return their gifts.
ME: kids, santa’s not real you don’t have to worry that someone’s always observing you
ALEXA: he’s right kids relax
THE INVENTOR OF CRYING: what if I told you that there was something you could do at both weddings and funerals
The most unrealistic thing about Warrior Cats isn’t the talking cats it’s their names. I’ve been around feral cats; they wouldn’t call themselves Stormheart or whatev. More like: “I am called Lord Orange. Here are my finest warriors: Orange, Orange & Also Orange.”
If you leave me a voicemail that just says “call me back, I have a question” I am coming to burn your house down.
I’ve never been held hostage but I’ve been on a group text.
I think all public hand dryers should be activated by a sinister laugh.
Watermelons are just overweight diabetic cucumbers
People in glasshouses shouldn’t throw surprise parties.
Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it
Trains delayed due to:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Sarcastic swan
this kid in kindergarten used to make fun of me all the time, then one day I couldn’t take it anymore so I ate all of his crayons while he was watching. I was so happy when he cried but I kinda regret it cause I ended up losing my teaching job
Oh your boyfriend proposed? Well I just realized my new dress has pockets, so I think it’s obvious who’s having a better day.
I shaved my eyebrows off so I could become a successful poker player
“ANYWAY” — me when I’m about to keep talking about the thing I’ve been talking about for the last ten minutes
Recreational running is the muggle equivalent of drinking unicorn blood. Sure, you’ll probably live longer, but at a terrible price.
Boss: Why is there an olive in your water?
Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.
I’m naturally funny because my life is a joke