[Interview with a Vampire]
Interviewer: hah, your resume says ‘bleedership skills’, what a funny typo!
Vampire: *nervously tapping fingers, not making eye contact*
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HER: I’m an animal activist.
ME: [trying to impress] My dog does 100 push-ups a day.
I am one “Mom!” away from making the 6 o’clock news.
I’m getting concerned that Beyonce never told those single ladies to put their hands down and now there’s a bunch of unfed cats out there.
cross bred an apple with a garlic to create a gapple. the only thing that will defend me from the horrid Dr Dracula
By age 35 you should have
– absolutely no idea why you came into the room
– no desire to be out past 8 pm
– an extensive collection of shopping bags and gift bags shoved into other shopping and gift bags
Jesus: Behold my powers.
*walks onto water and falls in*[back in heaven]
God: HAHAHAHAHA
Angel: HAHAHAHA “behold my powers”
God: HAHAHAHA
my doctor: you should snack less, it can really hurt you in the long run
me: *nodding* no more running, got it
This guy thinks he can take my girlfriend home with him just because he bought her a few drinks and he’s married to her. Men.
Girl from my high school posted on Facebook that she got a “constellation prize” at a church carnival yesterday. She skipped school a lot.
if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires
I keep hearing about all these businesses having a deep clean. What even is a deep clean? Have I just been shallow cleaning all these years, he asks as he wafts a duster in the general direction of some dust.
Went up to some of my neighbors from the last 10 years to let them know they’re losing a pillar of the community, and they were like sorry who are you?
Me: Why are any of us here, really? What’s the point? Is there something bigger?
Cop: No, I meant why are you here, in this bank at two in the morning
ME: [walking down the street clearly counting with my fingers]
WIFE: you could just-
ME: I’m not paying for another Fitbit, Jenn
There are 7 air fresheners and only 1 soap dispenser in my office bathroom. Make of that what you will
Last time I took a guy seriously, his girlfriend dm’ed me on twitter telling me they’ve been together for a year and when I confronted him he said if we both argue with each other we’re both not gonna have him 😂😂😂
doctor: I’d like to give you something to help your anxiety
me: whose side are you on?
Coffee: Because when you’re groggy and barely coherent, the first thing you should do is handle a scalding hot cup of liquid.
her: *gets on knees*
me: oh yeah
her: *goes down to all fours*
me: oh yeah
her: *bends over backwards, crawls around the room and screeches praises to The Dark One*
me: oh no
guy finding a big puddle of blood in a horror movie: (touches it and looks at his fingers) it’s blood
♫Whip me up, Before you Nae Nae
Don’t leave me hanging on like a Bae Bae♫
I’m getting birthday cake because it’s someone’s birthday somewhere
*carefully examining the markings on a reticulated python as it squeezes me to death* just as I suspected. this is definitely a snake
Alexa, how much peanut butter can kill a man?
I’ve trapped dozens of birds and woodland creatures in my room but not one has helped me get dressed, and they’re just shitting everywhere.
me: my friend died in her sleep 🙁
my grandpa: back in my day we walked uphill 10 miles before we died
Fun idea: Have a magician saw you in half at your funeral. Or not even a magician, just anybody with a big saw.
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dog
A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.