If you’re wondering why it seems like there are so many birthdays these past few weeks it’s because we are the result of parents who have sex once a year on Valentines Day
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I moisturize religiously because one of my grandmas has aged beautifully but one looks like emperor palpatine
I’m Indian but not “able to read sanskrit” Indian so slow down there Raj, aside from the heart eye emojis I have no idea wtf your DM means.
Discovered 24 long forgotten beers in the basement refrigerator so I’m about to crack a cold case.
[first day in hell]
hostess: welcome to hell. please take a seat
waiter: *pouring wine* your steak will be out shortly, sir
me: wow this isn’t so bad
group of waiters approaching in distance: happpppy bir-
Therapist: don’t take things personally
Me: [literally a conscious being that experiences life from a first-person perspective] ok I’ll try
whole time I was thinking “how’s Popeye gonna top this shit” then this mf justs —
Only 4 beers left in house. Time to find new house.
Me: What do you think about that?
Him: *typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*
*typing*5 minutes later
K
Executioner: Any last words
Me: No, I’m –
My boss, running full speed: WAIT WAAIIIITTTT *gasping* I need you on this conference call
Me: this movie sucks
Boss: for the LAST time, this is a ZOOM. MEETING!
If you’re looking for a good time, I’m a blast when I’m alone.
Just took $20 out of my friend Martin’s wallet (he has ALS) because that ice bucket nonsense ruined my new kimono.
My doctor thinks I’m hot. He said “fever” but I’ll take it.
Sometimes I look at my children and think “What did I do to deserve this?”
And other times I think “What did I do to deserve this?”
“You took out 5600 turtles in Mario”
[me looking at god] is that good or bad?
Ladies, let’s remember: The shoes aren’t sexy if you look like a newborn calf trying to walk in them.
anything is an appetizer if you eat more food after
Finished christmas shopping for my entire family.
*walks out of pharmacy*
They only arrested Justin Bieber cause he’s black.
I paid $5.99 for The Interview. I now want North Korea to kill me.
My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.
“Kids, part of my comprehensive zombie apocalypse plan are these Tshirts to keep up with each other”
“Daddy, why do ours say appetizer?”
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
Farmer: Netflix and till
Moonshiner: Netflix and still
Estate planner: Netflix and will
Dentist: Netflix and drill
Attorney: Netflix and bill
Mountaineer: Netflix and hill
Doctor: Netflix and ill
Pharmacist: Netflix and pill
Jack: Netflix and Jill
“Have you had a shower today?”
Yes, but thank you for clarification that it hasn’t made me look neat, fresh or washed
I’ve never Met Gala but I heard she’s weird.
i love treating twitter as my diary. this is my zoo enclosure and my followers are the tourists watching me eat hay
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
Kylo Ren: What was Vader like?
Leia: He blew up my planet & killed everyone I loved.
Kylo:
Leia:
Kylo: What was his stance on sideburns?
me: [waking up in jail and seeing my cellmate is the kool-aid man] oh thank god I’m so thirsty