Me: *doesn’t laugh at friend’s story*
Friend: I guess you had to be there.
Me: *builds time machine, goes there* Nope, still not funny.
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Ok… (slowly closes laptop and hurls it into the sea)
Can a paleontologist explain to me why dimetrodons were so infatuated w/ yelling at the ocean?
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions.
My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.
am i supposed to have a separate mouth with which to kiss my mother please advise
If Tim Horton’s is actually Canadian shouldn’t it be Tim Hourtoun’s?
Everyone preaches body acceptance, until you show up naked at the company picnic.
Blind Date: SWEET JESUS I DONT HAVE ANY EYES
Me: Of course you don’t, you’re a date
Blind Date: WHAT
Me: Kind of like a big raisin
My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”
Why is it called a ‘dad-bod’ and not a ‘father-figure’?
Day 4 of quarantine: I’ve gained 796 pounds.
My cat killed a mouse, walked away and looked back at me. I don’t feel safe anymore.
The guy behind the counter asked me what I wanted on my sub and I said a collar and restraints and now I’m not allowed in Subway.
I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.
Ro-Ro-Robocop,
Gently down the stream,
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily,
Killing bad guys in old Detroit in revenge for his murder.
Them: you haven’t been to the gym in a while
Me: I had a cold
Them: it’s been 7 months
Me: I had a lot of colds
The rain is pouring. So naturally it’s a good day to eat 6 donuts.
“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
mom gave me mine for free
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
Me: look, I’m just saying if Superman could move faster than light, then he didn’t need to change in a phone booth
Her: you’re like the opposite of joy
*An elf cop pulls Frodo riding an ent over*
Elf Cop: Where ya going?
Frodo: To throw a ring into a volcano!
EC: Step out of the treehicle
Me: I’m late, I’m late for a very important date!
Date: 🙂
Fig: 🙁
Prune: bro, lol
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You’re all getting fish bites!– OPiranha
I think a funny idea would be if our telescopes become more and more powerful, but human space travel remains unsolvable, & all the other races in the galaxy encounter the same problem. So we just become a bunch of guys looking into each other’s houses. An intergalactic Next Door
People are great at finding evidence that supports their beliefs while dismissing any evidence that contradicts them.
So my neighbor is baking apple pie, and I’m just sitting here waiting for her to put it on the windowsill
Adobe update is ready to install *gazes longingly into the distance*, but I don’t think I am.
I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again