Just asked my coworkers if anyone had to use the potty before our next meeting, in case there was any doubt that I’m a mom.
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I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.
Looking for family dinner suggestions. Last night we had: No! No! No! And Yuck!
I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.
-Every girl, ever.
Guy: If u won lotto, what’d u get?
Me: A cat sitter
G: To take extra good care of Sox?
M: *pictures a cat in a suit taking care of me* Yes
I was stopped at a red light when I noticed the car next to me trying to play charades. I didn’t want to play, but I could tell they REALLY wanted me to get it! We all played our best game of charades. Got it before the green light. Turns out my lights weren’t on.
I’d take Cap’n Crunch more seriously if his eyebrows weren’t on his hat.
“You may now kiss the bride”
Wow this is the happiest day of-
*dad flies by in hot air ballon*
QUEEERR
*throws football at my head*
*walks into bank dragging one of those giant checks behind me*
*everyone claps & cheers*
*hands check over to teller*
Check is for $1.00
*date*
GIRL: I love hot tubs. Do you love hot tubs?
LOBSTER: That’s like the third time you’ve asked me that.
I bought the extended play version of Layla in 1972 and it just ended
You left a note on the fridge saying “This isn’t working. Goodbye” but I opened it and it was working perfectly well. I don’t get it.
Detective slams his hands flat on the table:
You need to tell us what you know!Me: I don’t gossip.
They are making gluten free communion wafers now. I guess you eat them because they represent the beach-body of Christ.
[when i invented the mirror]
oh look it’s that ugly guy from the pond
The closest I’ll ever come to performing in the circus is standing on a swivel chair trying to reach the vodka I told my friend to hide.
me: you’re killing it
my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say
Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal
*closes door*
“Did you take out the trash?”
“Her name is LINDA, Mom.”
Find you a girl that can lay eggs.
*Jan 1, 9 AM PST*
5: Can we play music in our room?
Me: Sure!
5: Any music?
Me: Whatever you want!
5: ALEXA! PLAY ROCKIN AROUND THE CHRISTMAS TREE!
Me: Nooooooooooooo
Where do cicadas go when they’re not screaming? I’d like to go there and scream.
I accidentally complimented only one of my kids and their sibling lost their mind. As any parent knows, ice cream resolves this situation, but you should give the kids some too.
Apparently being half naked on a conference call is especially not appropriate when it’s the left half.
What I say: I’m on a diet. What my mom hears: please cook delicious food and buy chocolate.
If corporations are people then that’s really gross because we walk inside of them all the time.
We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.
Grammar tells us, ” ‘i’ before ‘e’ except after ‘c’ “.
But science tells us otherwise.
#GrammarDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Baby, you’re a firework: You hold my interest for about 15 minutes and scare the shit out of my dog.
how are there low birth rates when everyone here is a big baby
I started this new workout that helps protect my abs and obliques by rubbing grilled cheese sandwiches on them from the inside then my body puts a protective layer around them on the outside.