“Nope. Nope. Yeah right. Nope. Close! Nah. Nope. Almost! Hahaha, you’re terrible at this.” – piece of popcorn stuck between teeth.
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I just took my uncle Kevin for his Covid jab. A barely noticeable prick but someone had to take him.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. She just started a new diet and I brought home half a chocolate cake from the office.
If I could have dinner with one person, dead or alive, it would have to be Schrödinger’s cat.
Kindly respect my midwestern lifestyle and do not make any crude or irreverent jokes at this time.
Named my hamster Spam so when he dies I can bury him in a little tin coffin with his name on it.
My dog used to get into her kennel when I put my coat on and I’m not saying that her standards have dropped since the start of this pandemic but she just went into her kennel when I put on pants
Romance is weird. My wife said she wanted fantasy play but got angry when I handed her the wizard beard & 20 sided dice
“Pick up some electrician from the market. I’m having problems with AC again.”—married sext
Thinking that you’re on speaking terms with God is like finding out you’ve been playing both parts in an episode of “Catfish”
Homeless guy at the car wash just said I have beautiful eyes….So don’t play wit me
[Bat symbol lights up Gotham’s sky]
“Gordon needs me, the city needs me.”
[Robin waving flashlight around]
“Oh wow look they need me too.”
Can I take your order?
Yeah, lemme get a McRib and a large Coke.
Sir, this is Wallgreens
OK, make it a bottle of Xanax, and some Pringles
[Bar]
me: Gimme one more
wife: I think you’ve had enough
m: Last one
w: Fine
m: *asks waitress for another kids menu so I can do the maze*
PR MANAGER: It’s bad, boss. The picketers are getting a lot of support.
OUTSIDE:
🎵 Oompa Loompa, Doopity Doo!
A livable wage is the least you can do!
Oompa Loompa, Doopity Dow!
When do we want it? We want it now!🎵WILLY WONKA: Ugh, why did I get them vocal training?
How have I survived a year stuck at home with three kids? Badly. Thanks for asking.
My husband may be winning this argument but little does he know I’m about to bring up something he said 10 years that has absolutely no relevance to what we’re arguing about.
Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?
Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.
Just overheard a guy say he was buying a MacBook so he doesn’t have to worry about the Ebola virus. What.
Realtor: Why r u moving?
Me: I’ve been eating w my hands for 2 months because the sideways spatula won’t let me open my silverware drawer.
Coworker: The thing that sucks about vacation is dreading going back to work
Me: Oh I don’t need vacation to feel that way
Just did a 15km row which is my all time personal best and was feeling pretty good about it until I realised that I’d left the fox and the chicken on the same side of the river.
Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?
Count your blessings every day. Maybe you’ll have more blessings than Todd in accounting and you can rub them in his stupid face.
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
I’m not religious until you need help moving on a Sunday.
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
Nice try Friday the 13th. But this is 2020.
Stranger adds me to facebook
*has a panic attack*Creepy as hell stranger follows on twitter
*does victory dance*
A lot of people don’t realize that Donald Glover and Childish Gambino are actually Hannah Montana
We carpeted our bathroom last night. My kid covered the entire floor with towels before their bath so same thing.