This forest scent air freshener is really working. Three elk have moved into my living room.
You Might Also Like
Primaries are like childbirth. After a great deal pain, yelling, and recrimination, everyone forgets how awful it was until the next time.
Me: Have a taste of your own medicine
*I force the pills the Dr. prescribed for me down his throat*
Me: WHO HAS ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION NOW?!
These kids act like they’ve never gotten a half-pealed hard boiled egg for Halloween before.
I’m not saying my kids come to me for everything but if I was on fire & my husband was 10 feet away, they’d still ask me for a snack.
*Gets divorced*
*Deletes ‘actress’ from LinkedIn profile*
Liquidity is the only difference between soup, stew and a casserole. There, I said it.
“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”
*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas
Romantic movies taught me that you always have to walk out after a big argument so that 6yrs later you can meet by chance and get married.
i always feel slightly dishonest ticking the “i’m not a robot” box because how do i know, how does anyone know for certain
Government shutdown day 7: Electricity still works. Water is still running. No cool gangs to join yet. Worst apocalypse ever.
I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.
“And the award for best empty chasm goes to…Howling Void!”
HOWLING VOID: [howling]
Nothing sexier than when a man pulls you close, looks deep into your eyes, and puts a Babybel in your mouth.
Flushing my dead goldfish down the toilet. I am kicking this addiction for good
7 years ago today I swallowed gum….. and now we wait
me: how do you like the future?
lincoln: it’s– omg stop the car
me: what is it?
lincoln: *pointing to ‘children at play’ sign* we have to warn them
Found a subreddit where they just post photos of TVs that are too high on the wall
If your best clothes proudly advertise Monster Energy Drink, you can’t be left alone with your best looking cousin.
[me complaining about how many apps on my phone are purple] like I really gotta look before I press it ya know
[guy 911 told me to keep talking to till the paramedics arrive] definitely annoying
Husband and I reminiscing about the time I texted him on my way home:
“Can you start cooking those sausages?” Then added < 3 as a cute little heart.He cooked 2 sausages.
date: tell me about yourself
me: I want to kill the moon
date: I have a bit of a dark side too
me: [narrows eyes]
Danger is my middle name. My parents were idiots.
“Those ducking cops will never catch me!”
– dialogue from the action-adventure video game Grand Theft Autocorrect
do u think theres a butter planet?
Make it awkward today by asking people what they did for Valentine’s Day.
When they answer “dinner”, you should say “no…after that”.
My left earbud kept shocking me during my last zoom meeting. Can wifi be haunted
God I hate kids.
And people.
And animals.
And sardines.
And stuff that’s alive.
And stuff that’s dead.
I hate stuff.
I like cheese.
In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby
#ProTip
I replaced my old flat pillow that hurt my neck with a new fat fluffy pillow that hurts my neck.