Lots of people ask me why I’m still single and I don’t tell them anything, I just hang around them for a few minutes
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Person: I saw an eagle on my hike today.
Me: Was it Don Henley?
Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?
Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.
[first day as a crime scene photographer]
me: pretty weak lighting in here
*drags the corpse outside*
Curling is an Olympic sport.
What about Straightening ?There are women who can do
amazing things with a flat iron.
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.
Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.
I told my husband that our toddler won’t eat tomatoes and he asked why not, as if toddlers are normal human beings
#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. – Yakov Smirnoff
“Why don’t you want to have kids?”
*motions hysterically in every direction*
DATE: I love playful women
ME: [dusting off an old porcelain doll in my purse & setting it on the table] Oh so you won’t mind that Cynthia joins us then-
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
[zombie apocalypse]
GUY: It’s not safe here let’s head north.
ME: No, let’s go down to the sewers.
GUY: What’s in the sewers?
ME: [thinking about ninja turtles] Protection.
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
My friend asked if I pee a little when I sneeze like I’m some sort of multitasker.
confronts reality
pokes it in the eye
Person: “I can’t believe I’ve been sitting for two hours.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Amateur.”
Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.
Me, meeting anyone from instagram.
HUMAN BEING: You won’t touch the salad I made, but you just ate 2 stray cats and a whole koi pond! I thought you said you were vegan!
ALIEN, from planet Vega 3: Yes, that’s right.
My uber driver hasnt said a word to me. He is a gift from god.
You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.
I wanted to join a street gang when I was a teenager but I failed the dancing audition.
[sorting hat sorting hat ceremony]
sorting hat *wearing hat*: not durmstang please not durmstang
smaller sorting hat: HOGWARTS!
Anyone who expects to feel safe in a driverless car has never owned a printer.
If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.
You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you can’t keep your leggings out of its toe
TO MY SECRET ADMIRER: thank u for the flowers!! You accidentally had them sent next door & the card says ‘Penelope’ but it’s ok I love them😍
God: Come see this.
Angel: What is it?
God: It’s the human lifespan.
Angel: Wow their development is incredible. They start off so small and cute. Then get so strong and smart!
God: Fun right? Watch this.
Angel: Oh my you! What’s wrong with them?
God: I call it, 35.
A puppy can stab a girl in the face then steal her bag & she’d still be like, “Awwww a puppy.”
My toxic trait is putting my black phone down on a black surface for “just a second”
Sometimes words are just not enough
And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower