[shopping for school supplies with kids]
7 year old: What’s the bottle of champagne for?
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It’s settled. I’m measuring everything in comparison to the size of an American alligator.
I like a woman that makes me feel alive, but also lets me know that it might not be for long.
I’m stranded on a dessert island. Do not send help.
i like my men like i like my coffee, secretly alcoholic.
Why does every toy in Toy Story always stop moving when a human is around? Who do they answer to? Who created that rule ? WHO IS THEIR GOD?
Therapist: let go of my collar
Marriage 30s: He doesn’t know I burp or fart yet.
Marriage 40s: You should probably sleep in the other room because I had Mexican food for lunch.
My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money
i don’t have a nervous system, i am a nervous system
I accidentally said HAIL SANTA instead of HAIL SATAN at satanic church today and now everyone is laughing at me and they took away my robes.
*meets someone from France*
I’m a big fan of your toast!
Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread
Reverse Edgar Allan Poe be like, Quoth the Peacock, “Alwaysless.”
The door bell rang, I opened and saw my lost sock lying on the porch. I brought it in quietly and we both decided just to let it go.
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty
A boy at school tells me I’m looking like a snack. I plead with him to take it back, but it is too late. My teachers huddle around me with a bloodthirsty look in their eyes.
“D I D Y O U B R I N G E N O U G H
T O S H A R E”
doing your own taxes
[a 2nd grade classroom 5 yrs from now]
TEACHER: Khaleesi M, please leave Khaleesi S alone. Khaleesi T, I still need your permission slip
[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad
If a tree falls in the woods it should break into a light jog so it looks like it did it on purpose.
For some reason my hotel room has 2 toilets and i have been using them equally so neither one “feels left out” in case you’re wondering how i’m doing.
You know how I know society sets us up to fail?
Roombas only work if your house is already clean.
I had a boyfriend once….right up until the moment my dad asked him “so what do you do?” and he replied your daughter.
He’s Dead.
British websites use biscuits.
my fav thing at work is asking “can i have your name?” to customers. they dont understand, thats mine now. i am damian now. not you. you lost that. you gave it to me.
Give a man a fish and he’ll say “Sir put that back in the tank.” Teach a man to fish and he’ll say “ok pal, it’s time you left the aquarium”
You’re not an Asshole. That’s too much credit for you. You’re an Asshalf.
reminder that one halloween i got an “unknown activity” alert on my security camera and it was me in a shrek costume
you begin to tell your eye doctor that you’ve been seeing “floaters” when he gets a strange look on his face and begins to rise
Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn’t seem to be working
If you like the song “Red Red Wine” then U B 40.