A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.
And now, we wait…
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I’ve accidentally set up push notifications for the BBC science magazine and it’s like being followed about by an inquisitive but annoying child
[Pet store]
Boss: “I have to fire you. I know you’ve been stealing puppies.”
Me: “You can’t prove that.”
*My purse starts barking*
Parents, raise your kids well, or they grow up to be like your coworkers.
Guy: I’m an organist
Me: what you got against organs?
Always know where the exits are in a crowded theater and your in-laws house.
My mother was, let’s just say, not perfect. She’d routinely leave my little sister and I in the van for hours while she gambled. And even though we were patched-in to the casino security cameras and feeding her info through an earpiece, she still managed to blow hand after hand.
ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box
PRISON GUARD: Still no
A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”
no regrets
Kale: i strengthen the immune system
Avocado: i’m a healthy fat
Quinoa: i provide fiber & protein
Deep Fried Twinkie: i cause diabetes
Me: six twinkies please
Friend: *laughing at the crumbs on my sweater* Have you been eating cookies?
Me: Never ask about my art
Go ahead and kidnap me. You’ll return me when my meds wear off.
This idiot from Apple reckons that the “Temperature, iPhone needs to cool down” warning message has nothing to do with all my hot selfies
He who understands women, dies under mysterious circumstances…
One day you’re bad to the bone and before you know it you’re tired to the bone
Hell yes we can still be friends if you don’t drink, I’m not that shallow. You have a driver’s license, right??
Boys will be boys. Girls will be girls. Koalas will be koalas. Just about everything will be the things they are. That’s how this works.
Excuse me while I go powder the inside of my nose.
All of the good tweets are either married or gay.
[pet store]
Me: your parrot called me a cracker.
Manager: maybe he was asking..
[from the back] TALK YOUR SHIT WHITE BOY *parrot whistle*
The Blue Tooth in your ear tells me you are expecting an important call.
At Walmart.
At 8:00 AM.
On Sunday.
In the snack food aisle.
Ma’am.
David Attenborough: Many animals have been known to seemingly freeze when encountering bright lights at night.
Me: *opening refrigerator* Good thing that doesn’t happen to huma-
‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.
COP: pull over
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
Couple: [hands me camera] Do you mind taking a picture?
“Sure”[click]
Couple: How does it look?
“I just got my hair done, so pretty good”
When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else
Maybe she’s born with zits, maybe it’s methamphetamine
I feel sorry for all those girls bragging that they don’t have a gag reflex. They’ll probably die choking on an Olive Garden bread stick.
11-year-old: Can I join the swim team? You won’t have to do anything for it.
Me: Who’s going to get your to and from all the practices and meets and pay for everything?
11: Other than that.
Google photos: hey, here’s a picture from 10 years ago
Me: looks down and realizes I’m wearing the same shirt today