DATE: what’s your favorite movie?
ME: Se-seven-en
DATE: you mean Se7en? it’s just seven spelled with a 7 instead of a V
ME: *scoffs* you really think the creators of a great movie like Se-seven-en would do something that dumb
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3yo: dad.
Me: why aren’t you sleeping?
3yo: I am sleeping.
Me: then why are we talking?
3yo: so I could tell you I’m sleepIng.
Me: you’re kind of creepy at night.
Someone stole my car’s steering wheel.
I just can’t handle it anymore.
Hey girl, on a scale of ‘Neo’s mind in the beginning of The Matrix’ and ‘Neo’s mind at the end’, how free are you tonight?
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
One of many embarrassing moments for me was when someone told me that they were an equestrian and I asked how was Ecuador this time of the year
Worst Friday the 13th ever. Someone stole the baby Jason from our nativity set.
Alarm system? Yeah right. I’ll defend my home the way my ancestors would have. A series of large painted portraits with peepholes for eyes.
Spice things up at church by french kissing your neighbor during the traditional greeting time.
Me: We’re well stocked with the necessities, let’s not waste food
What my kids hear: Yayy let’s eat, every hour, like it’s a cruise buffet
Started watching the latest James Bond film last night. He’s in Italy in the beginning. Didn’t see one Olive Garden.
I just sent a text that says “we really need to talk” to everyone I know so nobody will bother me today.
Me: Sleep time
Brain: Remember in 9th grade when you rhymed “bridges” with “bridges” in a poem & didn’t notice till you were reciting aloud?
studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have huge muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee’s is clapping
October is when everyone changes their handle and their avi and now I’m completely lost.
Professor: most of you won’t pass this course
Me: cool so you’re like, Real shitty at your job
I should be able to preheat my bed like an oven
*walks into a dollar store*
excuse me, where would I find the dollars?
I can’t get the cork off my dinner.
i have a playlist titled russian roulette which is composed of under pressure by queen like 10 times and ice ice baby by vanilla ice once
What’s the best way to remove a grass stain?
Alcohol?
I don’t see how getting drunk will help, but whatever.
ME: I’m scared of dying alone.
SCIENTISTS: Don’t worry it’s a mass extinction.
Hospitals don’t like it when you unplug things to charge your phone w/ out asking first
Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.
[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?*Refrigerator hums loudly*
spinach is nowhere near as delicious as Popeye led us to believe
I think that at least twice a week it should be acceptable to fall asleep with your clothes on and change to your pj’s to go to work