[trying to ride a horse]
ME: oh shit how do i slow down?!
GUY OUTSIDE THE SUPERMARKET: this is for children
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My wife and I are in a fight so I just looked her right in the eyes and folded a towel in fourths.
waiter: would you like a soup or salad?
clark kent: [laughs nervously] a super salad? i’ll just have a regular salad please
waiter: alri-
clark kent: [loudly] a regular salad for a regular man
It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.
Dear Tech Support,
I twied to puth my tongue in tha USthB port again. Canth you helpf?
I’m so poor, the ducks are throwing bread at me.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
so awkward when the bill for the wall comes out and no one reaches for it
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides stay drunk.
violence is never the answer unless you’re doing a crossword and it asks “behavior involving physical force” (8 letters)
People often argue the great realism painters of our day and somehow leave out Wile E. Coyote, and his tunnel on rock phase.
Cauliflower has a good publicist.
I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble squares.
Going for a poo could spell trouble!
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs.
[First day as a henchman in a video game]
Me: how about we safely store these red flammable barrels somewhere instead of using them for cover?
If I had to list one thing I’m truly outstanding at I think it would be ripping open resealable bags so they are no longer sealable.
One of my friends had a baby today, and another got a puppy. I think we all know which one I’m going to visit.
[dog park meeting]
dog: we have confirmed reports that they’re hiding pills from us…
[low growls]
dog: IN THE CHEESE
[outraged barking]
Ladies, it’s 2019. Don’t wait for a guy to call you. Be proactive. Text him. Find your mutuals on FB to message. Kidnap his entire family and don’t release them until he goes on a second date.
I hate when I toss some cold pizza in the microwave, check Twitter real quick and when I come back I’ve missed 3 mortgage payments.
[At a child’s birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!
Cop: Where were you at the time of the murder?
Me: I’d trapped myself in a Tupperware container
Cop: Damn, that’s an air tight alibi
My charm is that I break people down over time; like waterboarding or marriage.
*keeps opening fridge even though I know there’s nothing good in there*
Me: why do I keep doing this, lol
*opens twitter*
Wife: how much did it cost to rent that bouncy castle?
Me: I dunno. Buying it wasn’t cheap tho
If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.
White people don’t dance at concerts so they can save all their energy for the “Woo!” at the end of a song.
Me: I’m PMSing and everyone bugs me.
Husband: You should do the Calm app.
Me: You should do the STFU app.
“Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today.”
Woman: “EXCUSE ME?!”
[whispers]”Dear Diary, I think she can hear me.”
PER MY LAST EMAIL
must be garbage day
* me scrolling the TL*