The best time of day for a prostate examination is 6:30 because both hands are at the bottom.
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Your sex life as a parent basically becomes “Fifty Shades of Pray Those Kids Stay Asleep.”
Just posted missing flyers of my cheeseburger all around the neighborhood. So far, no cheeseburger. It’s as if people don’t even care.
Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”
My family can’t decide what kind of Lab to get (Chocolate, Yellow, Black, etc.) so we drew straws.
I won, so we’re getting a Meth.
I am just a boy, standing in front of a milkshake, wondering by what sorcery it beckoned me to this yard
Current situation: laying in bed trying to manifest breakfast
me: “my wife is having a baby”
colleague: “omg, do you know what it is?”
me: “it’s a person but smaller”
My wife said the infinity scarf I got her is too small and I said: “That’s mathematically impossible.”
Anyhoo, we’re divorced now.
Hate to drop this while everyone is focused on the debate but I will henceforth be pronouncing “mouth” the way it is pronounced in Dartmouth. Thank you for your time.
Created by Jews, saves humanity.
Who, Jesus? No, dummy. Superman.
May have had one breakfast too many
My youngest found an “I’m a big sister” t-shirt, wore it to camp, and now it’ll take 9 months till the neighborhood believes I’m not pregnant
I now realize that my mom did not actually have eyes in the back of her head. She just did as I do, randomly yell out “stop it” every 30 min
Your smile is radiant. Close your MOUTH.
one time while we were eating dinner my uncle suddenly ran into our house & told us that he just ate a whole apple pie & needed to hide out for a few hours. a few minutes later a bunch of cop cars raced by
If you’re charging me $15 for apple cider at a hayride it better contain enough booze to enable me to see a headless horseman.
[tavern]
Jerk on stool next to me:
Which do you like better my looks or my personality?Me: I’m gonna need more options.
Mechanic: the front shocks are shot. Did you hit a pothole?
Me: yes but I winced, patted the dash & said I was sorry so it can’t be that.
My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.
interviewer: describe yourself
me: you know the urge to awkwardly hobble-run across the road when someone lets you cross? i am basically that energy manifested into an entire person
interviewer: ok
[Carnac the Magnificent]
Donald Trump
Hannibal Lector
Liver and fava beans*opens envelope*
“Name a winner, a skinner, and a dinner”
ME, TEXTING MY CRUSH: have any plans tonight?
HER: no not yet!! i’m totally free and available
ME: ok well have a good night whatever u do
The use of the singular here makes it sound like this is about a specific, apparently immortal wolf who was previously exiled for some misdeed
My fingers are still red from the one Hot Cheeto I ate 17 years ago.
who called it oktoberfest instead of septembeer?
if you stand up in a hospital waiting room & loudly announce your name & why you’re there, sometimes another person will do it too
I keep having this dream where an old, floating man with a giant, white beard is commanding me to build a giant hazmat suit, big enough to contain my entire family and two of every animal of the world. Wierd, I know!
huge if true: the moon
my deep-seated irrational fear of ceiling fans has been vindicated