Dogs: I could vomit on the vinyl floor but this carpet two inches to the right seems better
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I love how they gave Scooby-Doo a speech impediment, as if people would be like “That makes sense, because dogs have difficulty speaking..”
My new lady Dr just flirted with me. Bit her bottom lip and told me I’m too sweet.
*Her exact words were “severely diabetic,” but I know how to read the signs.
“Speak softly and carry a big stick.” — Teddy Roosevelt
“Yell loudly and talk about the size of your stick.” — Donald Trump
[USPS]
M: *hands change of address form*
C: Ma’am, this just says “bathtub.”
M: I live there now.
C: We can’t send mail to a bathtub.
M: Yay
Marriage is the leading cause of Irreconcilable Differences.
3yo: I need you to fix this.
Me: Listen, I got my own problems. You fix it.
3yo: Listen, you got my problems and your problems.
Me: Actually that’s very accurate. Give me your toy. I’ll fix it.
I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.
It’s ok, fake Christmas tree…
…my lights don’t all go on anymore either.
“As per my email…”
Ooh, someone’s absolutely livid.
Parenting a 3yo is basically a series of non stop negotiations.
Me: We have to leave the playground so we can do two more things.
3yo: no five more things!
Me: no, one more thing.
3yo: yay one more thing!
Bless their stupid little hearts.
wife: maybe you should start working out again
me: [literally sweating from trying to open a can of pringles] why
The best defense against auto theft is not The Club. It’s 65 empty water bottles in the back seat and a rear window full of stuffed animals.
Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.
5 told me she was really sad but didn’t want to say why so I said if she talks about it, it might make her feel better and she said “I’m sad because there’s no caramel cheese” and now we’re both sad
This year I have a few special people on my list that will get expired gift cards wrapped up with tons of glitter.
Having a child in your house is like having a sticky poltergeist. Fingerprints everywhere. Shit disappears and reappears at random times and places. Not to mention the odd, seemingly disembodied wailing
me: aren’t you going to ask if i’m sexually active
doctor: i don’t really need to
me: wait why
doctor:
me:
doctor: look i heard you say ‘okie dokie’ to the receptionist i already know you aren’t
Drank some paint and have now added “interior decorator” to my CV.
Me: is this dishwasher safe?
Nurse: *taking back baby* absolutely not
Things a raccoon and I have in common:
1) Dark circles around the eyes.
2) Likes eating junk.
3) We’re both cute but will kill you.
My husband was yelling my name and I was yelling back “I’m in the basement” and my daughter started yelling “Can everyone stop yelling?” and my son then yelled “Why is everyone yelling?” and this is how we bond as a family.
got up early enough to go on a 10 mile run, lift weights, and stretch before having a healthy breakfast, i mean i didn’t do any of that but i definitely got up early enough to
Terrorist Threat Level: Porcupine
optimus prime: did she just wink at me?
me: i think she’s turning left
Me: curling is just hockey with different sticks
Him: you just offended all of Canada
Love spending a relaxing Sunday curled up with a good book as it sits next to me untouched while I scroll through twitter for three hours
There are two types of people. One who likes to clean well in advance of people coming over & one who likes stuffing shit chaotically in closets as guests walk through the door.
And they marry each other.
never deleting this app.
How can anyone focus on world peace when we can’t even get everyone to use the same date format?
phone sales rep: may I speak with the head of the household pls?
me: just a sec, he’s using the litter box