me(being given hot dog factory tour): so if i fell in this vat & died it would pretty much taste the same
tour guide: almost certainly keith
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Inside of you are 2 wolves.
One eats a grammy and the other gets domesticated.
me: I want to buy some drugs
dealer: are you a cop
me: would I get a discount
‘Always the bridesmaid, never the bride’ is good advice for any best man.
“It started out with a Kiss, how did it end up like this?”- Me, after eating an entire bag of Hershey’s chocolate.
In the mood for a horror show so I’m gonna sit back and watch as my kids make a haunted gingerbread house with full blown colds and no Kleenex.
New birthdays:
•Januartly 34rd
•Marfch 0th
•Dechumpert 4rf
•Septurble 6rd-16nd (lengthy birth)
•Flethfluary 14st (Valentront’s Day!)
•6th
Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do
me: uhhh what did you do?
9: [frantically trying to wash his blue colored hands] nothing. I did nothing!
My dog peed in his pool and then laid down in it and I thought that was awful until I remembered my last trip to the lake.
It’s funny how humans are so picky about sex partners and dogs are all, “that smells about right”
{Company meeting}
Pres: Our biggest fears have come true…*I run to check on the donuts
*Stroll back in, spitting crumbs “what’s wrong?”
Paw Patrol, but it’s just my wife chasing the cat with a squirt bottle every time he attacks the other cats.
Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.
I’m thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I’m eating cereal.
ME: hey buddy you should wear a mask
CLARK KENT: but the glasses have been working fine
[1st day at Subway]
Boss: u said u’d done this before
Me: [painting myself in marinara sauce] I’m really more of an abstract sandwich artist
Inventor of Shredded Wheat: What if you could eat wicker furniture.
Due to inflation, alien abduction no longer comes with free probes. Humans are required to bring their own probes, or may purchase a probe on board the spacecraft for a moderate fee.
Wife: You won’t believe what Diane did at work today
Me: (thinking, “I don’t care”)
Wife: I heard that
INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat
ME: omg was I supposed to bring one
My circadian rhythm is a cat lost in a corn maze.
Got disqualified from the rap battle for being too dope*
*trying to start a tickle fight
My daughter just put Nutella on Toast, which doesn’t sound like a big deal but Toast is the name of her cat.
Me: Should we have macaroni salad or potato salad at the BBQ?
Husband: Can we talk about this when we’re not having sex?
If I were rich, I’d buy stuff I wouldn’t even use. Like helicopters or soap.
My class teacher once said “Write and Practice.” Turns out she was right. I practiced on my desk just before I started my exam and it worked
Considered selling feet and/or leg pics but then I realized I’d have to actually shave and ain’t nobody got time for that
Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
😜
1. gather ’round, young-uns, whiles I tellya bout how yer momma & I met, and also practice this genteel old-timey accent