Told my daughter that whoever takes the longest nap gets to choose what’s for dinner.
And now we wait.
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To tell you the truth, beginning a sentence with “To tell you the truth” throws into question all else you’ve previous said.
I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, six should be enough.’
Psychiatrist – If you’re stuck in an elevator who would you want to be stuck in there with?
Me – An elevator repairman.
[first time at a rave]
These M&Ms make my hair follicles feel weird
i bet it really sucks to throw up if you’re a giraffe
Sitting in my car eating McD’s, and I hear a quiet voice behind me go:
“Here, we have The Fat Woman in her natural habitat..”
My wife texted me from the bedroom last night saying she ate crackers in bed and she needed help changing the sheets because crumbs were everywhere.
Turns out that was not an excuse to get me in the bedroom for sex. She literally ate crackers like our 4 yo.
I always carry a condom.
I never know when things are going to get hot & heavy & I’ll have to throw a sturdy water balloon at someone.
TOP 10 ANIMAL OPPOSITES
pencilguin
richcupine
legadillo
cantgaroo
dogerpillar
noneigator
stoprilla
goodger
tellthetruthon
uncleeater
Guys named Hugh are 75% ugh
“Did he just do that by himself?” 🛹 🐈 😎
🔊 Sound up
me: *knocking* hello is anyone home
mcdonalds employee: we told u last week u dont have to knock
me: oh good ur home can i have one mcfood
Ok, I’m finally off dairy. Next is sugar, then heroin.
to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked
Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.
I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.
Youth Pastor: do you know who also crashed a market?
When I walk into a car dealership, I bring twenty senior citizens that are dying to talk to someone, so I can look at vehicles in peace
Shuffling into the kitchen in a robe Sunday morning to change the clock on the microwave is the lamest form of time travel ever.
Mars rover quietly killing whatever life it finds.
Fighting fire with fire but in the marital bed we’re just fighting wind with wind
Improve your DVD collection by simply attaching googly eyes!
I don’t trust scrapbookers because I feel it’s a slippery slope to ransom letters
Getting older is cool because you can take a deep breath and it’ll crack your back
Close your eyes. Picture a world without hunger. Open your eyes. I ate your sandwich.
If you see a dentist get shot and hes bleeding out, just casually mention how he needs to floss more so he doesnt bleed out like that
Me: Gluten Morgen!
Wife: You made waffles, didn’t you?
Me: *in my breakfast lederhosen* Ja!
*wakes up in hospital*
What happened?
“It was a heart attack”
Will I be ok?
*a big heart outside slowly taps on window with a bat*
“No”
ICEBERG: heard about ernie?
ICEBERG 2: yep…clobbered by a cruise ship
ICEBERG: gotta be careful—damn things are 86% hidden above the surface