There is a button on my microwave that says “super clown” and I do not ever push that button
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HIM: If you’re upset that people think you’re weird, have you tried being less weird?
ME: [eating ice cream with chopsticks] Yes.
exactly 14 yrs ago today, I pointed at a beautiful woman & said “that’s the girl I’m gonna marry one day” but it turned out to be a lamppost
If your gym clothes don’t have sweat stains, I have just one question for you…..
…what detergent are you using?
Marie Curie: (getting huge doses of radiation from her work with highly radioactive materials).
Marie Curie’s Husband: Maybe we should talk about the element in the room.
Every day, I hope I don’t get bitten by a spider. I’m not afraid of spiders, I just don’t want the responsibility of being a superhero.
Wife: Your life insurance premium paid up?
Me: Yeah.
Wife: Good.
Me: Why?
Wife: No reason.
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Here, taste this.
Halloween costumes
Age 10: monster
Age 25: sexy fireman
Age 35: sexy mobilization to end systematic oppression of underrepresented groups
ME: we have a problem, i’m out of beer
HER: it’s ok i don’t drink
ME: ok we have 2 problems
{After Eclipse}
Kid: Now can I stare at the sun?
It may be autocorrect, but I’m excited to see how this plays out when I drive my friend to pickup her satan wedding dress.
Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.
What in Willy Wonka Hillbilly Hell is this??
The guy I cheat off moved seats before today’s spelling test, like he’s teaching me some kind of lessen.
Locked in the target…STRIKE! 👀😏😂🐕
ME: I cant make it in today
BOSS: again? why
M: my car died
B: that’s the same excuse you used yesterday
M: yeah but today’s the funeral
I’m watching Dune at 40 like, “hope that white boy packed sun block.”
if I won an award my acceptance speech would just be a list of medications that I’m thankful for
My roomba on charge after cleaning up after 2 kids and 2 dogs.
Killing Eve is trending and I thought we had a new holiday.
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
Leia: This is romantic
Han: I know
Chewie: Rwwar
Leia: Does he have to be here?
Han: It’s a life debt. You’re basically marrying us both
A woman isn’t really heartbroken unless she does something drastic to her hair.
Remember to practice self-care: Take a walk, meditate, try yoga, paint a picture, murder someone, burn a body, clean a crime scene…
My bank, who passed all 14 interest rate rises onto my home loan account, but only half of them onto my savings account, just sent me some tips on how to identify financial scammers
[pronounces modeling like yodeling]
IT guy just called to say “ok, you’re cute” I told him that’s sweet but I don’t actually date at work, he paused for a long time and said the application you asked me about? It’s queued.
The only time I chase guys is when they try to steal my food
My 6yo drew a picture of my mom, and I don’t think she’s ever going to babysit ever again😭
23 Mind-Blowing Ways You’ll Never Get Back the Time Spent Reading This List