“i was born in the wrong generation” bro we can literally fry shit with the air. what else do u want
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Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group
girls don’t want boys, they want good hair days
Studies show that if you begin a sentence with “studies show,” the internet will believe you.
I’m a gentleman, so I when I see a woman about to open a door, I sprint up and tackle her back, so a man can open it for her.
Breakup? I’m sorry no.
You’re not finished being in love with me yet.
If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.
Everyone told me how great all the food is that comes out of an air fryer. I bought one and put it on my kitchen counter THREE DAYS AGO and not one fucking thing has come out of it. You people are all liars!
WIFE: *all sexy* You know, instead of going to the gym, we could…work out…in the bedroom
[Upstairs Later]
ME: *doing bicep curls with a weighted blanket* You were so right, babe.
I witnessed some luteing today. Six men playing a sprightly medieval tune . Quite out of step with the times were they.
YES I’M JEALOUS OF YOUR GOLDFISH. MENTAL ILLNESS RUNS IN MY FAMILY.
At a doctor appointment:
“Step up on the scale”
Jokingly, “Do I have to?”
“No.”
“WHAT?!?!”HOW HAVE I GONE THIS LONG WITHOUT KNOWING THIS WAS AN OPTION?!
One thing no one ever talks about being an adult is how much time you debate yourself on keeping a cardboard box because it’s, like, a really good box.
*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*
I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.
Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?
My son LOVES dogs and is TERRIFIED of them. Which is EXACTLY how I feel about my WIFE.
Always the bridesmaid, never the winner of the office costume party because I keep going as a bridesmaid
Ladies winter is coming and they are going to try to lure you in with hoodies and fireplaces. Don’t fall for it.
I mean I’m probably gonna but the rest of you should stay strong.
Hungover? Hydrate. Anxious? Hydrate. Want to advance Satan’s agenda here on Earth? Hydrate.
[introducing date]
Me: This is Linda, my date.
Her: You mean Lisa.
Me: This is Linda, my Lisa.
Under the age of one, babies primarily drink milk, but may supplement their diet with all the crumbs they find on the floor even though you swear you just vacuumed.
I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”
this atm and my therapist need to get together and pick a lane
Direct deposit: $1,400
Me: *wipes my tears away with real Kleenex instead of a stray cat*
Hey, have you two seen my Vodka? I left it right here?
When my 4 year old asked where babies come from my toddler immediately responded, “mail man.” Now I feel like I owe my husband a phone call and we need to cut back on our online shopping.
8: [gives dog good morning kisses]
wife: the dog gets good morning but not me? I gave you life!
8: the dog’s cute
me: everybody run
DATE: Wtf are you doing?
ME: *hula hooping* It’s called foreplay, Denise.
Jesus: Go forth. You are now fishers of men.
Peter: *harpoons a guy*
Jesus: Too literal, bro.
If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie
Imagine if dogs giggled when you tickled them.