Fridges are proof that it’s what’s inside that matters and not how you look like on the outside.
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Family vacation is when you listen to your kids cry someplace expensive.
An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor but not right away.
Once you’ve had a bug on you everything is a bug on you for the rest of the day.
It’s my mom’s personal mission in life to save me 20% on all my purchases by clipping out and giving me every coupon known to mankind.
Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there
Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.
interviewer: what do you mean you don’t have any
me [excitedly]: ask about weaknesses
Him: ok now put a worm on the hook
Me: *enjoying the boat ride with my new container of pet worms* What now?
I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.
The moon’s water broke. You know what that means?
Baby Moon.
My teen can’t seem to make her own bowl of cereal, but she can make a Tik Tok recipe with 17 ingredients.
THE WEEKND: I can’t feel my face when I’m with you
DENTIST (injecting novocaine): that’s kinda the point dude
The only difference between a psychiatrist and a drug dealer is that the drug dealer doesn’t make you wait an hour.
My buddy: “Yeah spring break, man! Have an awesome one!” *hangs up*
Me: *Covered in blood and barricaded into a room in Castle Dracula, screaming into phone* “NO! BRING STAKE! BRING STAAAAAKE!”
Spiders have the whole world to explore but still try to come up in my house
Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”
It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the snacks you eat on the way.
To the guy that stole my anti-depressants, I hope you’re happy now
Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?
People in my office act like they’ve never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.
You’re drunk and trying to outrun the cops on horseback but they eventually catch you because it turns out you’re just on a carousel
GOOD COP: I’m going to read you your rights
BAD COP: I’m going to beat a confession out of you
CENTRIST COP: you both make some good points
having twitter is just like reading the newspaper except the newspaper is on fire and all the writers hate you
Oh the world we live in…
There’s panic and then there’s can’t-find-your-tampon-string-panic.
My husband kissed me while I was sleeping before he left for work and I’m not saying I’m not sleeping beauty, but I may have woke up in a panic and elbowed him in the forehead
doctor: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
doctor: *notices my “gamers don’t die they just respawn” shirt* you can just say yes
date: i like guys who are mysterious
me: [afraid she may have learned my horrible secret] haha isn’t it great that neither of us has ever made love to a snowman
when I was younger and an attractive woman’s gaze lingered, it would be a huge confidence boost – now I’m like shit is my shirt on inside out
*puts finger over your lips*
Shhhhhhhhhhhhh
*feeds you more applesauce making airplane noises*