You can only push me so far before I breakdance.
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Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage
Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night
me: *hiding from kidnapper*
kidnapper: *sneezes*
me: BLESS YOU!
I have a devil tattooed on each shoulder cause I hate arguments.
I really want a family
sized bag of peanut butter m&ms
me: okay, thank you!
boss: thank you more!
me, whispering: we can’t do this, you have a family.
boss: what
me: what
7y.o: “Mom, what do you want for Mother’s Day?”
Me: “Sleep.”
7: “Haha, no seriously, Mom; something REAL.”
Exactly.
I don’t forgive or forget. I make voodoo dolls.
I named a large spider I saw today in my bedroom “Cotton Eye Joe” because Where’d you come from. Where’d you go.
Irish I was a lil bit smaller. Irish I was a leprechaun baller. Irish I had a shamrock & a hat, & endless gold coins in a big black cauldron
It’s so windy, my dog keeps stopping, looking back at me and dropping that “you gonna fix this shit?” look.
If you had more money you’d be happier.
*STUDYING FOR JOB INTERVIEW*
•Never criticize your former employer
•Maintain eye contact
•Be positive*JOB INTERVIEW*
INTERVIEWER: Tell me about yourself.
ME: I worshiped my previous boss, *leans in close*
and we live in a world of limitless beauty.
Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog
Not to get political, but gravy is a soup.
SPELLING BEE
“Defiant”
Can I have the definition, please?
“No”
Say what you want about my short term memory…unless you already have…
Wife: you’ve been a naughty boy *peels off clothes* You need to be punished
Me: yes, I do!
Wife: do the laundry
“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.
I wish my doctor would put down a little treat to distract me like my vet does for my dog.
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.
In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.
*speed date*
Her: Hi there, my name’s —
Me: Braid my hair.
I’m sorry I laughed when you said my cannibal joke was in poor taste.
when ur mom took the xbox away because you got a D- on ur report card and you went to your room, slammed the door, and turned this song up to full volume on the radioshack speakers so the whole family knew you were gonna be full of angst for the next several days
Marriage vows in the future will include things like “During pandemics, I promise not to judge how many glasses of wine you drink.”
my friend who moved to kentucky asked me what the average price of homes were in my area, so I told him about $850k & he said “that’s insane, do u know what u can buy for $850k in kentucky?” and I was like “probably kentucky”
My husband and I are giving our daughter driving lessons. He teaches her how to drive, and I teach how to swear at all the other drivers.
I’m at the point in life where if a girl dresses up in a french maid outfit I’d be more happy if she actually just cleaned my house for me..
[zoo]
wanna see the reptiles?
GUY NOT READY TO ADMIT HE LOVES SNAKES: i mean sure if u wanna stare at things that are like one long muscle
A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”