What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?
Wishful thinking. Obviously
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Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
grocer: [checking eggs] this one’s broken
king: how many horses do you have?
grocer: what
king: [panicking] how many men?
Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.
every morning i swallow a piece of paper that says “keep up the good work fellas!!” just in case i die and doctors gotta do an autopsy on me
Sorry, what did you say? I was staring at my ceiling fan wondering what I would do in a scenario where it fell and helicoptered around my house chasing me
I would steal more cars if only folks left their keys behind the sun visor like in the movies DAMN.
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
Why do people brag about having tall kids, like relax dude all you did was have sex
Me: Okay 2 it’s time for bed
2: NO! Mommy go to bed
Me: Okay*goes to bed
Flamboyant sounds like you’re floating but on fire.
any time someone sends me an email with “best regards” i reply with “bester regards” so they know i take my job seriously
I can’t decide whether or not I should do laundry or just buy another hamper.
This old man is Lloyd. He spends his time Lloydering.
People wonder why I move to a new place every couple years. The truth is, I’m being chased by a snail with a grenade and a vendetta.
HER: Are you free Friday night?
ME: Let me check my colander.
HER: Your…
ME: *checking* Nope, sorry, I’ll be making spaghetti.
Did you breast feed him as a baby?
“Lady, I didn’t have breasts when I was a baby.”
To me the most romantic part about having a crush on someone is when instead of just telling them, your anxiety just makes you act increasingly more unhinged in conversation until you both hate you 🥰🥰🥰
After moving approximately 35 times in about as many years I’m here to tell you that you’ll keep the people who matter most. What you’ll miss are the restaurants.
o/ = Cheering
/o = The Scream
/o/ = Superman
_o_ = Jesus
lol = I surrender, and I’m laughing out loud about it.
You’d be surprised at all the discounts you get when you come in swinging a sword!
oh shit i shouldn’t have quit my office job, that’s where i printed everything out
“those tattoos will make it harder to get a job” ok well so will my personality.
And in that moment, she decided to stand up for herself
Never again would she do what Simon said
I prefer the term busy professional, thank you.
My weird paranoid neighbor, shreds all her mail and closes all the shades.
But never locks her basement window.
The greatest joy you can feel as a parent is when you get the call that they’ve canceled your kid’s Saturday sporting event.
In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection
I’d heard there was a secret chord
To charge my phone, and I need it, Lord
But you don’t know where it’s hiding right now, do you?
I feel forsaken –
The fourth, the fifth chords in the house are taken,
The baffled dad complaining…Hallelujah
Hell yeah, I found it, Hallelujah
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”