What song lyric resonates with you the most? Mine is “we’re tiny, we’re toony, we’re all a little loony”
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Store clerk: May I help you?
Me: I hope so. Sweetie go get your math homework, this nice woman is going to help us.
Pooping on the clock is the small-scale revolt of the working class in preparation for the people’s revolution.
Me: I fell down the stairs with a quart of Jägermeister & I didn’t spill a drop.
Him: Well, how’d you do that?
Me: I kept my mouth shut..
Me: You are not going to believe this…
Priest: Your confessions will always be belived, my child
Me: There is no toilet paper over here.
I’m opening a secret ice cream club called The Inside Scoop
“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”
“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”
Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.
Me: Eat your vegetables. They make you smarter.
3-year-old: *hands me a carrot* You need this more than I do.
I fed my dogs spaghetti so they could kiss, but instead they’re growling over a cold meatball and not sitting still for my painting.
Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.
Back in my day a “selfie,” was something you did with the door locked and a bottle of lotion.
Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze (2014)
[waking up after a night of drinking]
Age 21: did i make out with someone
Age 36: did i steal someone’s dog
Never let the fear of failure keep you from failing.
Sneaking up behind people and marrying them
I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.
Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour
My pappy died in the sea. Not even his old chum could save him. In fact, that’s exactly what brought the sharks in the first place
I washed my sports bra with the Fitbit still attached and won first place in all my challenges.
My 6yo just stepped on a spider and thought she killed it, but it got up and scurried away. Her response? “Oh. My. God. It’s Spider Jesus.”
Even if you don’t pay, they’ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.
A new day and another chance to turn it all around. [sitcom laughter]
Cashier: And how are you today?
Me: Incandescent with rage. You?
It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.
I’ll never understand why people buy dogs from breeders when growing your own is free and far more rewarding.
*steps out of time machine*
SCIENTIST: so did you kill Hitler?
ME: [holding a cute little baby triceratops] um yeah, about that…
genie: u have three wishes, but u can’t make someone love u
me: random rule but ok
genie: seriously don’t even try
me: ok i won’t
genie:
me:
genie: *crying* trust me it doesn’t work
Me, scrolling to find my birth year
[sees wife getting changed after work] you should leave them high heels on
“ohhh yeah?”
[thinking about the spider on the bathroom ceiling] yeah