BILLY CORGAN: the world is a vampire
ME: wouldn’t it explode into flames as soon as the sun hit it then?
BILLY: shut up *runs off crying*
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professor x: what’s your power?
me: i can cry
professor x: on command?
me: no just when i’m sad or whatever
professor x: you don’t punch a hole in the drywall?
me: nope
professor x: wow [writes on notepad] logan are you hearing this?
If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up
job interview tip: show up wearig the exact same thing as ur interveiwer, whispre “dress for the job u want, right?” then just stare at them
If you tell me having a dog is the same as having a kid then I’m going to assume you yell at your dog to keep his pants on at Wal-Mart.
who called it oktoberfest instead of septembeer?
My daughter bit off both ends of her chocolate bunny and is shouting through it like a megaphone, “Hello, is there anybunny in there?”
Fun prank: replace all your phones with rotary phones and your wifi with a dial-up, then watch your kids move out.
Aggressively singing “This Is How We Do It” while putting my husband’s clothes in the hamper instead of the floor.
Throughout the entire Twilight saga, there are over 24 minutes of just staring.
I changed the pictures in the bathroom a year ago, my toddler just realized, your understanding is appreciated as she goes through this hard time
My patience is like a gift card, not sure how much is left but lets give it a try
Goldfish crackers are the best snack for teaching kids it’s ok to eat your pets.
Horrifying if literal: armchairs
me: having a physical body is inconvenient. i want to be a sentient cloud or a useful metaphor
alien who abducted me: do you ever stop talking?
me: lol no
Them: Can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *bursts into flames*
This forest scent air freshener is really working. Three elk have moved into my living room.
Beards are a privilege, not a right
My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started early.
Doctor: Absolutely DO NOT take this medication with grapefruit juice.
Me: How about bourbon?
Doctor: Grapefruit juice will be fine
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on
Her: Have you seen my glue gun?
Me: *Eating popcorn chicken right off a cob* No.
My wife and I always eat dinner as fast as possible so we can have a popsicle.
We are 47 years old.
[comes home from store]
Wife: [shaking her head] Let me guess… earmuffs were on sale?
Me: [wearing 17 pairs of earmuffs] WHAT?
Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.
I really admire my daughter’s restraint. When we were reunited after a week apart she waited 5 whole minutes before asking what I brought her
Technically, it’s not road rage once you pull into their living room.
I had to make an important phone call and now I know my 9-year-old can yodel.
I haven’t been around a baby in so long I can’t even remember how to put their leash on.
I keep having this dream where an old, floating man with a giant, white beard is commanding me to build a giant hazmat suit, big enough to contain my entire family and two of every animal of the world. Wierd, I know!