I’m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous
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Perfect one night stand:
Amish person.No internet access.
No phones.
In the heat of passion they’ll whisper the secret to apple butter.
Such a stupid sign! Babies can’t read
WIFE: I’m leaving you because of your constant mansplaining. I can’t believe you didn’t see the writing on the wall.
ME: That’s called graffiti, Sharon.
[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?
It’s amazing how song lyrics can impact your life.
For instance, when Humpty Hump said “I’m spunky, I like my oatmeal lumpy”, that really spoke to me.
[Home Depot]
Me: I’ll take your finest home
*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*
Me: This guy *slides photo across table* I want you to shoot him in the leg
Hitman: This is a photo of you
Me: My wife wants me to try zumba
Me: *puts mistletoe over our heads* oooh you know what this means
Dementor: what the hell
“Live each day like it’s your last”
Wow okay but that’s A LOT of flipping the bird at everyone
ME: No idea why I can’t sleep right now
FOUR EMPTY CUPS OF COFFEE: uhhh—
ME: [avoiding eye contact] No idea at all
My husband accepted an invite to a bbq for us and said we would bring a salad, like “we” has anything to do with it.
I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box
I just swallowed a Norton Anti-virus CD. I’m good now.
[pulling the casket a few inches away from the wall during a funeral]
sorry just need to plug in my phone for a minute
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
4 y/o: What’s your job?
Me: I stay at home, take care of you, clean, cook the food…
4: That sounds boring. Do you want me to fire you?
accidentally left my turn signal on for a couple minutes so now i’m going back and turning at all the places i indicated i would
me: you misspelled school
8yo: I don’t think ‘h’ needs to be in that word
me: I think you’re taking our “think for yourself” talk a little too far
Drug Dealer: are you wearing a wire?
Me: the only wire I’m wearing is why’re you still single?
Cops Outside In Van: *collective groan*
B2….
or not B2…
That might be the number.
–Shakespearean Bingo Caller
Date: I like a girl who knows about the human body *wink*
Me: *visibly excited* did you know that the right lung is divided into three lobes?
Date: no I meant
Me: but the left lung only has two!
Date: not like th— wait, really?
Lawyer: And your opinion?
Cat: No question-a dog pushed the fish bowl over & ate the goldfish
Dog Defendant: Are you KIDDING me with this?!’
MAN: I’ll get pasta & she’ll have the salad
COW: What’s that mean?
MAN: Uh-
COW: I’m fat?
MAN: … You’re a cow?
PIG AT NEXT TABLE: Ooo
ANYTHING can be considered your job if you hate it enough.
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
My daughter said she got caught zoning out when her friends asked her a question so to look engaged she just made up an answer and I’m so proud she’s the Dad of her 6th grade crew.
Hallmark movie writer’s room:
“Alright, let’s get started.”
(4 minutes later)
“OK, that’s a wrap on 27 movies, good job everyone.”
first time at Hobby Lobby:
hello I’d like one hobby please
The accuracy #BlowsMyMind