I wish they had an app that allows you to delete your number from other ppl’s phones.
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Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.
1st kid: *makes own baby food from organically grown fruits and veggies fresh from the garden*
4th kid: *throws can of spaghetti-O’s in a blender*
who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes
I wish the dude that jogs around my neighborhood all day would wear a Super Mario costume. And occasionally duck into sewers.
My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife
Me, a pilot:
“Folks, we’re about to head into some turbulence as I just discovered my co-pilot is dating my ex. Fasten your seatbelts”
They say that sex is the best form of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to do much for that beer belly.
guys please don’t talk about the healthcare vote I’ve got it tivoed
*Hands out tests*
“Remember, there’s no prize for finishing first,” I lie.
Mugger: Give me everything you got
Me: Hope you like a low credit score and insomnia
me: [flips over]
my bed: ah the cool side of the person
multitasking lunch
FRIEND: Don’t come on strong.
{Later}
DATE: Want to try some of my soup?
ME: The spoon is too heavy.
If you need someone to keep a secret then I’m your girl. I’ll forget it 5 minutes after you tell me.
me: good morning, Linda
Linda, my co-worker who backpacked through Europe: Not as nice as the sunrises you can see looking out from Venice
[1st date]
-I’m a fish whisperer.
Wow, what does that mean?
-*whispers* Fish.
Oh… Haha um what do you-
-*whispers right in her ear* Fish.
haha how about we make a pact if we’re both single in 6 seconds we get married?? haha look how nervous u are. times runnin out tho
[Duck support group]
“After i lost Barbara I was doing bread 5, maybe 6 times a day”
*the other ducks nod sympathetically*
ME[David Attenborough voice] Starting with the outer layers he’ll devour the entire carcass
HER: are you narrating yourself eating lasagna?
My sister texted and asked if she and her kids could come over,
and now I’m frantically looking for a new place to live.
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
I don’t wanna brag, but I am definitely the drunkest guy at the bottom of my neighbors pool.
YOUR MARCH HOROSCOPES:
Aries: Stay inside.
Taurus: Stay inside.
Gemini: Stay inside.
Cancer: Stay inside.
Leo: Stay inside.
Virgo: Stay inside.
Libra: Stay inside.
Scorpio: Stay inside.
Sagittarius: Stay inside.
Capricorn: Stay inside.
Aquarius: Stay inside.
Pisces: Stay inside.
I’m really looking forward to getting a full 8 hours of overthinking in tonight.
Pretty sure my cold is trying to seduce me. I sneezed and my bra unsnapped.
Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices
[God Creating]
Lucifer: Make them wake up paralyzed sometimes
G: That sounds horrible
L: People will love it
G: Hm, I trusted you on spiders
I thought the noise my husband’s stomach was making was never going to end last night until I realised it was a motorbike outside
I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.
My plan to entomb myself like a pharaoh in a pyramid stocked with everything I’ll need in the afterlife is in jeopardy because I keep eating all the Oreos.