When I said I was afraid of the dentist, I meant the bill.
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My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.
Bologna is spelled like its being shouted by an alcoholic.
the passive aggression of Snapchat asking “do you want to abandon your snapsterpiece?” and forcing you to click “abandon” like sorry I’m not carrying this picture of my bagel to term, I had a moment of clarity and remembered literally no one needs to see this
kidnappers: get in the car
me: i want to sit in front
Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.
i should be the upstairs neighbor. i should be the one spilling marbles. it should be me up there
I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body
omg thanks for ending the meeting 4 minutes early and “giving me some time back” — now I can finally pursue my passions
If you’ve ever wondered how many days you can reuse the same lemon wedge in your water pitcher in the refrigerator, the answer is not 11.
Or you could just call them Antiques and not totally creep people out…
T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH
Products that are really small are like free samples, right?
I got a 6 month head start on No Shave November, so I think my chances of winning are pretty good this year.
Bear of bad news: Hey, sport. You might wanna be sitting down. Ready? Oh god how do I put this? I’m gonna have to maul the shit out of you.
LIFE – 3 out of 5 stars
My sense of humour has been described as “oh god..” and “please stop, this is a funeral”.
the best part about being a parent is explaining normal human behaviours to the small feral people, my favourite of which has been “we don’t pee our pants on purpose when we are mad”
the worst thing ever is when you go to the dentist after ten years of not having insurance and the dentist is like why did you let this get this bad?? i don’t know bro why do you charge $20,000 for an x-ray
Getting married lost its appeal as soon as I figured out that acquiring a maid of honor wasn’t going to get my floors washed.
During winter months, some people will try to hug you just to steal some of your body heat.
Beware of false huggers.
I can always tell, after reading the first page, if a script has, at least, two pages.
My TC promised me he likes it rough so, of course, I bought him a plane ticket. On United.
My 3-year-old dumped pudding in her pocket.
Novice dad reaction: “You ruined your pants.”
Veteran dad: “Thank God. I thought it was poop.”
I am going to learn to astral project or I’m going to sleep trying.
[Me, watching my murderer wipe down everything as I’m dying]: “Oh, you don’t have to do that, don’t worry about it.”
Never play poker at the zoo. Too many cheetahs.
I’m gonna keep wearing a mask after this pandemic is over. I can’t go back to worrying about how my breath smells like Doritos and garlic and coffee.
An hour of interrogation later and the cat still has not revealed the location of the 4 missing puzzle pieces
I’m going to change the Wi-Fi password as soon as I hear someone complain they’re bored this summer