Rob somebody at gunpoint today, show the world how serious you are at nicknaming your new friend Robert.
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i hired way too many actors for my movie about weather. it was overcast, is what im saying
Me: If Obi-Wan’s clothes remained after Vader killed him, then why wasn’t ghost Obi-Wan naked?
My date: [to waiter] Check, please.
I’m a people person. I live in a house home where I enjoy food meals and listening to music songs.
A summer getaway for women that date younger guys in the bathroom & want to learn to carve cantaloupe?
John Cougar Melon Camp
Well, time to go to bed & remember that I started and abandoned a huge organizing project that involved putting a bunch of stuff on the bed.
Did you know that actors in black & white movies often put their lives in danger during driving scenes, as they weren’t able to tell if the traffic light was green or red.
“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want parmesan cheese.
I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!
Wonder Woman is in theaters June 2nd. But if you want a sneak preview, watch Sally Yates’ performance in front of the Senate.
The automatic toilet flusher is taking away your rights!
The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.
“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.
Midwestern pride is suffering through cold morning temps in October without a coat because you don’t want to give Mother Nature the satisfaction and it will likely be summer again in the afternoon.
People on dating apps always say they’re looking for a “partner in crime”, but when you try to organise a cock fighting tournament in their living room they suddenly “need to check with their landlord”. I already bought the roosters.
Someone suggested a breakfast salad, and then I wondered why someone could be so mean.
ME: *reads war and peace*
SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*
This guy told me he spoke Swedish and then spoke Swedish and tbh I have no way of knowing if he was lying.
(my funeral)
Spouse, crying: I’ll miss you, my love. Your with the angels now.Ghost me, whispering in his ear: *you’re
S: Oh ffs!
Wife: please don’t
I look her in the eyes, kiss her delicately and shake my head
Me: somethings are worth fighting for
I slowly stand, catch my breath for a few seconds and start walking towards the buffet bar for the 10th time
[aquarium exit]
Excuse me ma’am, would you mind opening your bag?
I beg your pardon?!
OPEN YOUR BAG
*opens bag and reveals two penguins*
My friend keeps saying that every time he goes to Taco Bell he gets diarrhea.
I said, try ordering Tacos instead.
I’m so scared of shoplifters I immediately shoot anyone who walks into the store. I don’t even work here.
Nursery owner helping me load plants, “Your car looks just like mine.”
“You have a Crosstrek too” I ask.
“No, lots of wine bags.”
if I was a zebra and I carried a wallet in my mouth I’m guessing a lot of people would assume it didn’t belong to me and that sucks
she has a smile full of sesame seeds
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. I’ve lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.
The thing about human relationships is that one person can be so overcome by a moment while the other person is thinking about KFC…
*i look my lawyer dead in the face*
I said ask him.
*lawyer stands up*
Your honor my client would like to know where you got that robe.
(McDonald’s bathroom)
*pulls away from kissing*
You’re better than my mirror at home
i gotta figure out some insane rules for my kid that she doesn’t question until she gets older. “no pink lemonade in this house. it’s unnatural” and she’s like right of course, lemons are yellow, it’s unnatural. then decades from now she’s in a college dining hall like Wait What.