Tree: Bark
Dog: {leaves}
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People really out here threatening to take twitter to court for suspending their account.
Me on my 5th acct: but, like why?
[after Simba is presented to the animal kingdom]
Mufasa: thx for coming, now join us for the celebratory feast
the antelopes: wait, the what now?
[before sex]
HER: did you bring protection?
ME: heck ya I did *slowly reaches into back pocket and pulls out nunchucks*
“it’s my expert opinion we need to remove all your bones”
wait you’re not my doctor
*a bunch of dogs fall out of the lab coat and run away*
Me: Pikachu, I choose you!
Pikachu: The restraining order says 500 feet
Hitting people with a metal yard stick while wearing a “SOCIAL DISTANCING OFFICER” badge is now perfectly legal.
Everyone out here workin’ on their cores and I’m just tryna get as close as possible to the drive thru window so I don’t have to stretch.
Post nuclear war:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishment remains.My refrigerator after a 14 year old boy comes home from school:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishm—
My friend’s 6-year-old was being obnoxious.
The mature thing to do was to tell him to settle down.
I challenged him to a rap battle.
If you’re a vegan and an atheist and a runner, how do you choose which way to annoy people in a conversation first?
[AA meeting]
Ian: …and I’ve been sober for 12 years now.Me: Err… I’m at the wrong meeting.
*start packing up my battery collection*
*I come home with an empty stroller*
WIFE: OMG, where’s the baby?
ME: …so there was a Dad Joke Battle
WIFE:
ME: I CAN WIN THE BABY BACK
Coworker : I just like to go with the flow.
Me : Flow away, I’m busy.
Next time my 5 y/o says “Daddy, guess what?”, I’m going to refuse to let her continue until I can actually guess, even if it takes 7 years.
I’m going on my first date in years, and I’ve forgotten the proper etiquette. Do I cry after dessert, or when he’s paid the bill?
Me: did I pass?
Driving instructor: *swimming away* no
dumbledore, completely wasted: I should have know you’d be here professor mcgonagall
some random cat:
TwinzerMom: Where’d you go?
Me: For a quick walk. Just kinda the first step on my fitness journey.
TwinzerMom: Must have been a small step
Me: Why do you say that?
TwinzerMom: Well, for starters, there’s powdered sugar in your beard
giving all the dogs in my neighborhood matching sweaters for Christmas so they can be in a gang
If Spider-man’s powers came from a radioactive spider, the spider could have bitten and altered any other animal and I don’t want to live in a world with spider-wolves. I just don’t.
O-mi-cron, Becky. Look at that variant.
The thing I like about Dawn dish detergent is that I can wash my dishes, my pets, my gentles, and my car with it, and still have some to drink later.
Mob Boss: did you make it look like an accident
Me: oh yeah I rear ended him before I shot him
Is my bath bomb supposed to be ticking?
Sorry I haven’t tweeted much. Kathy on facebook was keeping us updated on her menstrual cramps.
I’m not saying I don’t like people… but if someone walks toward me in a library, I’ll plug my headphones into the book I’m reading.
Mom? I think I know my Halloween costume for this year.
-My daughter’s favorite phrase from November through approximately late September
I just saw a guy put a hamburger between 2 pancakes so I proposed on the spot and he just said “no” so he’s obviously the smartest man alive
doctor: can you describe the pain?
me: i have a knife sticking into me
doctor: so is it a dull or sharp pain
me: sharp
doctor: like a knife?
me: yes, exactly that
doctor: *proudly* its my first day