The Bible starts off slow but it really gets going when Satan shows up
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it takes 700 grapes to make a bottle of wine and that’s why you’re fat
[meets someone on the internet a day younger than me] my child go and live
My wife has given me some birthday cake to take to my friends at work.
They do not know about it.
She will never know if they received it.I now have what I like to call “my cake.”
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
16 yo daughter: I feel like nobody spends time with me
*returns to bedroom where she has had herself locked in for the last 742 days*
I just took my neighbor’s home security sign and put it in my yard, because the theft on my street is getting out of hand.
computer: create username
me: liamneesonskid
computer: username has been taken
Hey ladies, I can spell ‘Häagen-Dazs’ without googling it if anyone is looking for a good time tonight or anything.
Don’t be sad dirty dishes, nobody’s doing me either.
me hitting on a model
Me: “Thanks for always being here for me.”
*leans in for a kiss*
Liquor store clerk: “Please just pay for your bourbon and leave.”
*Asteroid is hurtling toward Earth*
ESPN Broadcaster: This asteroid could have an enormous impact on the playoffs.
ramses: *checking phone* wtf is a dense frog warning
moses: 🙂
ramses: oh you son of a-
My 16-year-old dog walked around to my side of the bed this morning & acted like he needed to go outside. As I got up, he proceeded to jump into my spot & promptly fell asleep.
Well played, old man. Well played.
[date]
Him: So where are you from?
Me: According to my parents, I was born in a barn.
Poor thing almost 47 years of wtf 🤣🤣💀
*turns on internet*
computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once
Wait for it…😂😂😂😂😂
Hell yes we can still be friends if you don’t drink, I’m not that shallow. You have a driver’s license, right??
When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.
Came home and my cat was on the porch cuddling with a baby skunk. When the skunk saw me he took off like I had caught him in bed with my girlfriend.
[Dr.]
“Your blood is 40% cheese, if you eat ANY more you’ll die”
*slowly raises piece of cheese to mouth*
“Don’t do it”
*eats cheese*
*dies*
Hear me out: a switch blade but instead of sharp metal a meatball sandwich pivots out
Mambo Number Five, but it’s a list of all the serial killers you dated without ever realizing it
There is a very fine line between kidnapping an introvert and taking them to a party.
My hand just touched toilet water. Now I’m on eBay looking for a second-hand hand.
Him: I have successfully bred the first bald porcupine
Me: How pointless
DINOSAUR PARTY
TRICERATOPS: GROUP SELFIE!!
*hands phone to T-RexT-REX: Still not funny you guys. Not. Funny.
My neighbor told me his son watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth tomorrow?