‘Siri, am I an alcoholic?’, I whisper into my burrito.
You Might Also Like
banana bread: bc I’ve got almost $0.08 worth of rotting bananas I don’t want to waste, so I’m going to use $10 of other ingredients
This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.
My husband came home at 5:47am & wanted to know why his key wasn’t working. You don’t live here anymore. That’s why.
*launders Kohls cash*
I just weighed myself so I could then weigh the dog; so now we’re both depressed and comfort eating kibble.
[produce section, grocery store]
Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?
What is this special type of waffle called a “Tennis racket” and why does it taste like metal wires?
hell hath no fury like a toddler whose sibling is looking out the car window that isn’t theirs to look out of.
Me: Gets something in eye
Brain: Quick stick your finger in there too
[Karaoke Bar]
Me: 🎶 Don’t you forget about me 🎶
Them: *ears bleeding* Definitely not possible.
“I don’t want to make a spectacle…”
Eye glass manufacturers last day on the job.
Movies are so unrealistic. This guy’s using his computer to access an alien ship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe.
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
Excuse me, the movie Inception, you’re gonna tell me you had like 10 people jumping between levels of everyone’s subconscious and yet there were ZERO sex dreams? Uhhhh that’s a damn plothole my guy!!!!
mosquitos out here really acting like it’s ok to go person to person without using a rubber
I adopted a rock.
He just sits there and does nothing all day.
It still beats raising Kylo.
FYI –
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.I’ll keep you all posted.
Me: I have 3 small kids, so preparing a healthy breakfast can be a challenge some mornings.
Friend: You should meal prep at night to make things easier.
Me: I guess I should have mentioned that the kids live here at night, too.
No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*
*instantly make it worse
me: sorry this place is such a mess
her: it’s my house
Son:Dad’s trick or treating as a ghost in a bed sheet?
Wife:& heels,eye patch & his hand stuck in a Nutella jar. More like a ghost on ambien
Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.
ME: Sorry boss, I can’t make it in today. Because of Ebola.
BOSS: You have Ebola?
ME: No but someone does and I am FREAKING THE HELL OUT
I’m so uncomfortable with confrontation, a waiter could bring me a bowl of cold black olives instead of my meal and I would quietly eat them and tip 30%.
i know walt disney is sweating in his grave watching a yellow sponge slowly replace mickey mouse as the most iconic cartoon figure
I hate when people say “ the bug is more scare of you than you are of it”. DID THE BUG TELL YOU THAT ?!
Personal Trainer: What do you want to work on today?
Me: To stop getting the name of the exercises wrong
Personal Trainer: Anything else?
Me: plonks, plunges, and squaps
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
On the one hand, I want to exercise and take care of myself. On the other hand, it’s just more years of living on a planet full of morons.
“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”
– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks