when you kill a mosquito someone else’s blood is probably on your hands.
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MOVIE FACT: They had to remove a shower scene in Taken because the lead actor kept watching shampoo wash onto his feet and singing “Head & Shoulders Neeson toes”.
*Leaving my kids and husband at home for the day*
Me: I’ll see you guys later. [waves]
Dirty laundry & dishes: [waves back]
Nobody ever mentions one of the greatest joys of being a parent is mocking your kids in an annoying voice, repeating what they whined about
I took sex ed in school. At no point did they point out that I wouldn’t have any
Me: Get off the iPad and play with your new gifts.
9yo: Ok, can you help me set up this microscope? Do we have vinegar and distilled water for this craft set? How does this weaving loom work? Can you do a mad lib with me?
Me: Go play the iPad.
how did ur grandpa get dementia and forget EVERYTHING except the racism
Boss: You gonna get any work done today?
Me: Sorry Boss, I was up late watching the game, I’ll pick it up.
B: Who won?
M: Jack Daniels
Anyone who thinks sorry is the hardest word to say has clearly never tried speaking Welsh.
I bought some IKEA furniture and paid extra for delivery and set-up.
Next day, they dumped the box and a dead body in my yard. And called the cops.
I was so devastated by my divorce that I barely finished the eleventh grade…
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
PRIEST: god knows how you’re behaving, and has a huge problem with it
ME (wasn’t listening): and also with you
Hey everyone, welcome to Simon Says club. Please have a seat.
*sigh* Looks like we have some work to do
Bill Gates is giving 100k to help develop a better & safer condom. I don’t care how good it is, im not wearing a condom that says Microsoft.
That split second of panic when you realize you said yes to your toddler but you were distracted and you don’t actually know what you said yes to
Yes sex is good but have you ever made someone super mad online and then go to sleep?
Me: What do you want to be, when you grow up?
6YO *looking me in the eye*: A rockstar artist and God
wife:
Where are the powdered doughnuts?me:
I enjoy holding the door open for people who are far away so they feel like they have to run a little.
Morpheus: [holding blue and red pills]
Neo:
Morpheus: I can’t remember which one was which
The biggest threat to mankind is aliens somehow receiving transmissions of Xbox Live conversations and deciding to just blow up the planet.
People who shower together but don’t have sex they actually just shower, those are the terrorists. Real boring, uptight, stupid terrorists.
(Job interview)
The starting hourly pay is $30 but it can go up to $45 later
Me: Okay, I’ll start later then
My Sentiments Exactly
5: Daddy whatcha doin’?
Me: Cleaning my shot gun
5:Why?
Me: Because one day a boy will like you
5:You mean like Ben?*racks the chamber*
Monday: *exist*
Garfield, my lawyer: *presents lasagna-stained Cease and Desist order*
They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night
In a fight a with a bouncer
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
Boss: I’m going to have to fire you. It’s the way you misread EVERY situation somehow.
Me: *holding maracas* Wait, THAT’S why you asked me in here?!
[Husband 911]
Me: I just shattered the gravy boat.
911: She’ll kill you.
M: I know.
911: We never spoke.
M: What?
911: Good luck
* Click *