The beatles purposefully wrote catchy songs to generate interest in their band
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Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.
familiarity breeds contempt yes but honestly what doesn’t
An unhealthy attraction to traffic cones develops as a result of too many microplastics in your diet and you start driving around looking for road construction just to feel the rush. Hey baby, you block lanes here often?
I know repetitive noises irritate people so I’m surprised there weren’t more rage-induced murders back when typewriters were being used
My daughter asked me what it’s like to have kids so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.
My prompt email replies are 10% due to me being a diligent employee, and 90% due to the crippling OCD that compels me to clear my inbox.
3 is yelling at baby for rolling off her mat and she’s responding by screaming at him and I’m so glad I followed everyone’s advice and had a second kid so they could entertain each other.
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs.
Judge: Would the jury now read its verdict.
Head Juror: We, the jury, find George Michael’s feet guilty on all counts of Lacking Rhythm.
George Michael’s feet: *uncontrollable sobbing followed by fainting*
George Michael: What the hell is even happening? I’m free to go, right?
Her: Was your child gifted?
Me: No, we had him naturally
Nurse: Doctor this man needs an IV!
Roman Empire doctor: OF WHAT? HE NEEDS 4 OF WHAT?!
I told him I’d send him nudes everyday he was sick, but we are on day 17 now… how long does the flu normally last?
1980s : average parent ; 4 kids
2016: average kid ; 4 parents
A survey shows that 20% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house and 80% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife..
For fun, DM “can I be honest with you…” and then walk away for 2 hours.
A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!
[roadtrip]
ME: I need a bathroom break
FRIEND: no stops for 2 hours, use that Gatorade bottle
ME: um…ok…now how am I supposed to wipe?
“I don’t want to see the movie until I read the book first” is why I’ve never watched a movie in my life
[meeting a friend’s new baby]
cool so do you have any non human pets?
i’m at the potluck telling everyone i saw a house centipede crawl into cheryl’s artichoke dip bc i overheard her call my pumpkin pie puff pastry pockets ‘mid’
If history has taught us anything, I’d be surprised.
[hears a baby crying on the train]
Can somebody put that thing on silence please?
“It’s a baby..”
…
“…”
Vibrate?
scared the mailman today by coming to the door naked.
Not sure if he was more surprised by that or that I knew where he lived…
Lied on my resume and said I could code. Boss asked me to take on a project. I paid a guy in Karachi $80 to do it overnight, then told my boss it would take a month.
We’ve done this four times now.
3 little words that can bring a man to his knees on a Sunday morning
INTERNET IS DOWN
Cop: Are you high?
Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so
my teen would like you to know I have allowed storms to disrupt our wifi when she had things to do
Stress makes you gain weight as you get older.
So I’m basically a puffer fish now.
I haven’t had bread in 3 weeks. I look great but now all I think about is bread. I’m basically a duck at this point.
[Library]
MAN: Do you have books on fire?
LIBRARIAN: Yes, in the Chemistry section
MAN: Come on boys!
*Swarms of firemen enter with hoses*