“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
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Married girls are so lucky. They can post anything they want on here because they already tricked some dumb guy into marrying them.
1. Get in hammock.
2. Relax.
3. Try and get out of hammock.
4. Panic.
5. Don’t fight it and just accept that this is where you live now.
they should make stand up horror. i’m tired of laughing, i wanna scream at a bar
“The Perfect Relationship”
My kids just introduced themselves as “Let’s Go” and “We’re Late”
ME: I still suck my thumb at night, yesterday I called my landlady “mom”
JUDGE: you only have to tell the truth about questions you’re asked
I’m at a track meet watching my sister compete in weight throw and shot put, and I’m wondering what is going to hurt tomorrow from sitting on the bleachers 😂
Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week
1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow
What idiot called it “learning to be patient” and not “gaining wait”?
me: I can’t decide what to have
waiter: what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have lasagna
When a really horrible person dies I always like to think of it as them being recalled.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Is it because I’m obsessed with Greek mythology?
Her: It’s because of your stupid nicknames for things.
Me, pouring a glass of water: Would you care for Poseidon’s milk?
Just once, I’d ike a cop to pull me over and tell me how great I’m driving, especially considering I’ve had 12 beers.
Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol
Thank goodness I have subtitles on, otherwise how would I know there is sinister cackling
them: how are you
you: [desperately aware that herds are necessary for survival] normal
my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun
“Al-Qaeda: ‘ISIS Goes Too Far’.” Ah the Middle East, where al-Qaeda is the voice of moderation.
worst time to be eaten by wolves is obviously the full moon. usually when something bites you, you can at least say “that sucked, but i know what did it. heres the situation.” full moon wolf bite? you’ve gotta be wondering “this could’ve been a guy named derek.” humiliating.
Was enjoying playing legos with my son until my wife tapped me on the shoulder and said he went outside an hour ago.
[Therapy]
Me: What do you mean “boundary issues?”
Therapist (gently pushing me off his lap): Why don’t you put some clothes on & we’ll talk?
He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go
(I am 6 months pregnant)
Me after ordering my coffee:
Stranger at Starbucks: you know you should be drinking decaf when you’re pregnant.
Me: I’m… not pregnant.
Stranger: (horrified) I am so, so sorry!
And that’s what you get for giving unsolicited advice.
my proudest tweet
If it makes any grown women out there feel better, I measured the pockets in my 5 yo’s pants and he can’t fit a phone or wallet in his, either
Balloons take up a certain amount of space in the package, but if you want to know how big they’ll be when in use you have to adjust for inflation.
If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.
Im not saying the ‘70s were perfect, but somewhere along the line we lost focus and forgot that all chase scenes demand banjo music
as a kid, I used to think $1,000 was a lot of money. But now that I’m an adult, I think it’s a tremendous amount of money
[3am]
me: *sleeping*
brain: omg you’re late for work!
me: oh shit *jumps out of bed*
brain: lmao you’re so gullible