People say Twitter is a futile waste of time, but that’s only if you’re doing it right
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Interviewer: It says here you have advanced math skills. How many times have you used them at work?
Me: *holds up fingers* This many.
I like to creep around my home and act like a goblin
Wife: The kids made you these cakes for Father’s Day! What do you think of them?
Me: They’re awful. But at least they made me these cakes
Me: Is your friend coming or what?
16yo son: I don’t know. He’s not answering his texts.
Me: Why don’t you call him?
Son: I don’t know what that is.
Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.
If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.
My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.
Because Canadian.
Woke up super stiff all over and when I tried to look down, my neck had morning woodn’t.
Goat: So, I make a ridiculous sound?
God: Yes.
Goat: Anything else weird I should know about?
God: Horizontal Pupils
Goat: What the- *stiffens, falls sideways*
God: YouTube is gonna love you.
me: *easily carrying 20 grocery bags* hi 😉
her: are those empty
Once a year you should legally be allowed to end someone else’s date. Just hand them a card that says “Overheard you two talking and it’s imperative for humankind that you don’t pursue this further. Thanks.”
All the observable evidence suggests that, if I was much worse at my job, I’d be more likely to get a promotion to senior management.
Will Smith isn’t special. I’m not invited to the Oscars for the next ten years either.
Anyone that says 100kg of feathers weighs the same as 100kg of steel hasn’t considered the additional weight of having to live with knowing what you did in order to procure 100kg of feathers.
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
The first rule of Nun Club is “no dirty habits.”
i wish i could marry a nap
Me: Now that I’m an adult, I can eat whatever I want.
Metabolism:
Remember to think of others this holiday season!
[at the gym]
Friend: This sauna is way too hot!
Me: *slowly slips on jean jacket* Is it cooler now?
H: Well, the remote was definitely broken, so I went and bought a new one.
Me:
H: Oh, and it came with this 75″ television.
I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.
[Psychiatrist’s Office]
ME: So do I just lie on the couch over here?
PSYCHIATRIST: Actually this works much better if you tell the truth.
(Going to Wife’s Work Party)
WIFE: Don’t just be quiet like last time.
(Later at Dinner)
ME: Did you know marsupials are not a kind of soup?
(Musicians.)
Damn girl are you the sun because you need to stay 92,960,000 miles away from me.
F: The eyes on those dolls freak me out. I wish you’d get rid of them.
Next day
F *screams*
I meant get rid of the dolls not their eyes.
*Signs into Facebook
“If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve me at my best” is posted everywhere
*Agrees
*Deletes Facebook
[text]
Her: I picked up buffalo wings.
Me: * moves furniture around
* rolls out plastic sheeting