Be a deer and get shot in the woods for me?
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this independent good boy don’t need no human
my toxic trait is feeling like eating 1 box of oreos over the course of 1 day is healthier than eating them in one sitting. there has to be less calories that way.
My book group read “Ventriloquism for Dummies” this month. We met in the living room, but it sounded like we were in the kitchen.
Dye packets but for the person who takes the last donut.
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
A Tinder app, only you hook up with the best buffets in your town
Me: Where the hell are you going with those balloons?
4yr: I need to wee!
Me: With balloons?!
4yr: Its so much fun to wee with balloons
‘Nuts and bolts’ would be a good name for a diary of one night stands.
eavesdropping at a coffee shop to this girl talking for an HOUR STRAIGHT about how she can’t find a good man and she hasn’t let her friend say even a single WORD. like sweetheart the call is coming from inside the house
(interview for construction job)
Foreman: Your resume is just pictures of LEGOs?
Me: (proudly) Didn’t even have to look at the instructions
I WISH I WERE PAC-MAN SO WHEN I GOT UPSET I COULD EAT SOME CHERRIES & EVERYONE AROUND ME WOULD TURN INTO GHOSTS
Life isn’t about the moments that take our breath away. That’s asthma. You’re thinking of asthma.
When you feel down about your job just remember someone at google was forced to type out the entire lyrics to Hey Jude.
kid: whats the meaning of life?
me: life is like a bag of Doritos, when you get to a point where you think youve had enough, you notice there isnt much left in the bag, so you just power through to the end
kid: where do babies come from?
me: babies are like a bag of Doritos…
Sometime in the night I think somebody replaced my skeleton with a different skeleton but I don’t know how to verify this.
Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I’m like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.
This is meant to give your cat a seat at the table but it could totally be a whack-a-mole game instead
i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it
Now then – what’s an oxymoron?
it took 26 tries to get this “messy” bun to look just right and he asked why I didn’t do my hair today, so I hit him with the shovel
officer: fair enough
They say Life never gives you more than you can handle.
Life seems to have me confused with twelve jugglers.
Seriously, ladies. If you just stop sleeping with douchebags eventually their species will go extinct. Look at the big picture here.
Son: What’s this spell? *waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: I’m not sure, bud.
Son: PAY ATTENTION! *aggressively waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: Ummmm, truck?
Son: Were you even looking? Try again. *pointedly waves finger wildly in the air*[repeat ad infinitum]
Tell me and I forget, teach me and I remember… involve me and we got a problem
Me: I feel sad I should surround myself with fun and nice things
Also me:
I finished my iced coffee even though all of the ice had melted, so I’m really crushing my water intake today
If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?
{me trying to sound cool in front of my son’s friends} ‘sup bruhs tell your moms i said yeet
[zoo]
cop: what happened here?
boss: they attacked when he tried to inflate one of them
me inside enclosure: [with final breath] babloon
me: [wearing a wire] ok i’m inside the drug dealer’s house
drug dealer: who are you talking to
me: [lowering my voice] he knows