This kid was such a psycho, I told him his food was an airplane and he willingly ate it not questioning all the living passengers aboard.
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CAT 911: what’s the emergency?
CAT: I can see a bird outside our clear wall
CAT 911: you mean a window?
CAT: no it’s definitely a bird
Can’t figure out why my allergies are so bad. I changed my med regimen, listened to my doctor’s advice, took my extra meds, bathed, rubbed my face on each of my four cats…
Me: Who’s a good boy?
Dog: I thought we settled this.
Gonna start saying “that’s what they want you to believe” whenever anyone disagrees with me
A Free Range Chicken is easy to spot due to it’s backpack & rugged little hiking boots
At what age do humans become manipulative pieces of shit? Is it three? Feels like it’s three.
Putting on the ‘Best of Owl City’ playlist when I want to kill three and a half minutes.
Me: Ma’am your pet is loud.
Lady: That’s my baby.
Me: Ma’am your pet baby is loud
People are always terrified of child birth, but they should be scared of the 18 years that follow. Those have to be done without pain meds.🥴
I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.
Pulled a power move on the neighborhood dads by shoveling my driveway before it stopped snowing
I took the liberty of rearranging my husband’s office this week. The tears streaming down his face are all the thanks I need.
I have a friend who met her husband when her mom married his much older brother when she was 8. So her future husband was the much younger brother of her stepdad. I usually lose people around this point and have to say, “Imagine if you and your mom had the same mother-in-law”
I have to go to a birthday dinner for someone I don’t like much, so I plan on bringing up politics right away so I can go home early.
toast doesn’t talk how do you know it’s french
NOW HIRING: An employee
JOB REQUIREMENTS: 96 years experience already working at this job you’re applying for
Autocarrot sucks!
[inventing oatmeal]
make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries
At family dinners, I always offer to bring the potato dish. It’s always vodka.
flea markets are crazy. an old woman will be like “this pendant belonged to my grandfather who forged it himself during the great war. it’s yours for $3.”
Every photo taken inside my house has at least one laundry basket in the background.
The hardest thing about ghost hunting is cutting its head off so you can mount it on your wall
ME: What’s the capital of Germany?
SON: G
ME: So college is a no then?!
Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Like why don’t you just make bags that are twice as strong?
My girlfriend wanted to swap positions in bed. So I told her I have a headache and went to sleep.
I’ve got nothing against kids, I just don’t understand why you’d want indoor kids.
Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.