Saw a sticker that said “my son was an honor student”. I almost got sad, but then I thought maybe he’s not dead, maybe he’s just stupid now
You Might Also Like
Cop: Pullover!
Me: It’s a cardigan.
me: *eating spaghetti sandwich*
carb god: *rubbing biscuit hands together* goood goood
i do not get doomsday preppers i’m immediately giving up i am not trying to survive nuclear winter you will not catch me doing any mad max shit i’m quitting
girls w long ass hair love to cut three inches off and be like “i love my short hair omg it’s so short”
Sex so vanilla Baskin-Robbins names an ice cream after it.
Turns out, you can live vicariously through anything if you try hard enough. Right now I’m a pumpkin being launched 1,000 feet across a field by a catapult at a Punkin Chunkin festival. Weeeee!
Parents. Top tip for getting to school on time. Go without them.
DATE: so this is my dad and this is his porcelain cat collection
ME: wow, I feel like I’m in a
DATE: no
ME: mewseum
DAD: *nods his approval*
Jokes on them. I took 10.
I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”
#wordsofwisdom
If it says, ‘Do not try this at home’ – go and visit a friend.
Spice things up at church by french kissing your neighbor during the traditional greeting time.
[me narrating a documentary about narrators]
“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”
[slowly rises from trashcan while 2 friends are making plans without me]
i am also free that day.
911: what’s your emergency
Me: I can’t find my lizard
911: do you have any details
Me: *holding tail* that’s how I lost it
Me: i have a tummy ache so i been on the BRAT diet.
You: Bananas, rice, applesauce & toast?
Me *eating a bowl of bologna, rum, anchovies & tiramisu*: oh god dammit
If you have scissors for hands, you could probably just introduce yourself as Edward, and let people figure the rest out on their own
i replaced babies in these pictures with hotdogs to show america what really matters
Oh good. Another podcast set decorated with bobble heads. Remember when nerds had the the good manners to be ashamed of themselves?
Every now and then something happens on TikTok that transcends social media and becomes a *work of art*
My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.
embracing tradition. boyfriend just went to dunkin (hunter) as i sit in bed finding funny tik-toks to show him later (gatherer)
Between my education and helping four children with their homework, I’ve studied approximately 27 years of Algebra.
toddler *shows me his new toy*
me: Who gave you that?
toddler: My friend
me: When?
toddler: When he wasn’t looking
[bakery]
me: I want to hide in a cake for my wife’s birthday
clerk: ok what about this one
me: yeah nice nice and she definitely won’t find me?
My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh
Me: Did you like that story?
5: Yes, I love Goldilocks.
Me: Of course they had to change the ending for kids.
5: There’s another ending? Tell me.
Me: You don’t need to know.
5: Tell me, Tell me!
Me: They’re BEARS for God’s sake. How do you THINK it ended?!
3 is feeding 1 strawberries and calling him Baby Babe. It’s so sweet, I can almost forget he tried to lock him in the closet half an hour ago.
Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.
Me: Who cares? I’m on a conference call. No one can see.
Boss: Rod can you mute your phone please.