I can never tell if a woman’s smiling at me because she’s interested or if it’s just my hot dog costume
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Wanna know why skeletons are so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
I got robbed last night but in the best way possible: I was pickpocketed which means I didn’t even have to talk to the person who robbed me.
Missing area man described as boringly conventional, was easily found by multiplying height x width.
ME: Can I buy you a drink?
HER: I have a boyfriend.
ME: {counting coins on the table} He can only get something small then.
[first date]
Her: I’m really into literature.
Me: I love crime and punishment.
Her: Yes! Incredible book, right?
Me: … book?
My office computer just crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see whats happening.
I can’t imagine the things this hotel air conditioner has seen.
Dude warned me he doesn’t always respond to texts right away.
It’s been 476 days. Dude wasn’t playin
humans only use 10% of their treadmills
Me: You a good personal trainer?
Him: You bet your emotionally distant dad I am.
Me: [through tears] Wow, that’s personal. You’re hired.
Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.
Everyone says they want a fairytale wedding. But when I show up and curse their firstborn, suddenly I’m the jerk…
Am I smarter than a 5th grader?
…No. Probably not.BUT, am I funnier than a 5th grader?
…Also no.BUT, BUT could I win in an arm wrestling match against a 5th grader?
…I don’t wanna play this game anymore.
If I were an orthopedic surgeon, I would totally set up shop at the end of a Home Depot aisle
The worst part of working remotely is the lack of structure. No one staring at me and tapping their watch if I take a long lunch. Unlimited bathroom breaks. Humans are not meant to live this way
Zoo security guy: We know you’ve stolen a parrot. Hand it over.
Me: Why would you accuse me? Is it because I’m brown??
From inside my jacket: Is it because I’m brown??
why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare
[emerges from time machine back in present day]
I did it. I got Hitler rejected from art school, saving German art from years of mediocrity
For some people, the turkey’s the most important part of the holidays. For others? It’s the pumpkin pie. But me? I’ve always cared more about the people that I spend the holidays with- which is why I’ve gathered you all here today to help me summon grandpa from the great beyond.
I bet if you walked up to any table at a restaurant and said “Good afternoon folks” they will let you take their order.
For me, it’s not a superfood unless it has a tragic backstory.
Twitter: yo don’t say stimulus say stimmy
Me: hey did u hear taylor won another gramulus
I once had a customer complain that her steak “tasted like cow.” I was so confused that I said, “Well, I sure hope so” which caused her husband to burst out laughing. She quickly shot him the death stare and I often wonder where she hid his body.
*working out*
this is so much worse than i thought
WHY would you be happy about this?
ME: I’m gonna punch my boss right on the nose
PRIEST: you can’t tell me about sins in advance
<— only has 13 problems left.
Turns out, getting divorced cured 86 of em!
Them: oh I was just talking about you!
Me, jokingly: nothing bad I hope? Ha ha
Them:
Me: oh
I know it’s wrong to label people, but since I bought my label-maker it’s all I can think about.