I hate when I wake up hungry and stay that way for 32 years
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Hear me out, a headband that displays your brain activity so I can see when you’re bored of this conversation
I always go the extra mile,
which is why my friends don’t let me drive
Kinda gross IMO, but I guess everyone needs a hobby.
*Knock Knock*
Me: Who is it?
Police: Police.
Me:What do u want?
Police: To talk.
Me: How many r u?
Police: 2
Me: Talk to each other.
Yah I ordered a large pizza but it’s thin crust/ light cheese so basically it’s a salad .
Me: Please, call me John. No need to be all fancy with titles and last names.
Drill sergeant: …
Simple
*Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
TT: At sunday dinner I like to perform an impromptu puppet show with the roast chicken. This week it’s my interpretation of Die Hard 2.
ME BEFORE HAVING TEENS: I like a good, crunchy apple
ME AFTER HAVING TEENS: Apples totally slap. Much cronch.
Interviewer: So why did you leave your last job?
Me: Someone found out my birthday and decorated my cubicle with balloons.
wordle is a big pharma conspiracy to sell us more ibuprofen
Today (Sept. 17) is international Batman day!
#BatmanDay #webcomic #Weird
Pro-Tip: If you’re going to use chlorophorm on someone make sure you don’t inhale it yourself.
The Breakfast Club: (1985) (1hr 37 mins) Not a single breakfast is had. Barely a club. Misleading. 1/10
Got invited to a pool party tomorrow , time to dig out the ol’ leopard print Speedo
Ducks probably think platypuses are duck werewolves.
Pretty sure it’s pronounced ASK body spray, thanks.
Accordion to current studies, 90% of you did not realize that this sentence started with a musical instrument.
Postcards are just weird. It’s like, “Hey everyone, feel free to read what I wrote to my aunt until it’s delivered to her house.”
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote “I ain’t afraid of no ghosts”
ME: *sweating profusely* Yeah why, do any ghosts work here?
Summer is here! You know how I know? Cause it’s kinda hot outside. And because my panties have little watermelons on them.
They say a symptom of Covid is loss of taste.
Looking back at my exes? I think I’ve been infected for years
Carson: No it wasn’t a friend it was a close family member. And I didn’t stab her I froze her heart.
“Sir, that’s the plot of Frozen.”
superman villains:
darkseid – galactic conqueror
doomsday – indestructible killing machinebatman villains:
the joker – tells little jokes
the riddler – poses little riddles
the penguin – is a penguin
BOSS: how was your weekend?
ME: oh man i got so high
BOSS: it’s against company policy-
ME: I took a ride in a hot air balloon
BOSS: oh, haha well then-
ME: then the edibles kicked in
cop: anything you say will be used against you in a court of law
me: incompetent lawyer
cop: wha-
me: tainted evidence
cop: [into walkie] c-can he do that
Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.
me: i won employee of the month
her: ur self-employed
me:
her:
me: i also got demoted