Man: “I think I saw a UFO last night”
UFO with fake moustache: “Nah, it was probably one of them optical gases or something”
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[dinner]
HER: lose the spear
ME: but you said we having wild rice
I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.
I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.
-Every girl, ever.
If one more teenager calls me ‘mam,’ I’m gonna
…probably let them carry my groceries because I’m old and life’s hard.
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: ugh yeah the spacing wouldn’t format properly
Interviewer: OMG I hate that
There’s something mentally wrong with people who ask other parents if their baby isn’t the cutest baby they’ve ever seen
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
Dual Citizenship: citizenship of two countries concurrently.
Duel Citizenship: a contest for citizenship between two people with deadly weapons.
I think the short sellers had it right with Game Stop. It’s a failing business. If you look closely at their actual business model it does not seem at all effective at stopping games.
wife: WHO LOADED THE DISHWASHER?
[cut to me sitting at a bus station waiting to start my new life]
My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says “We need to talk”.
My neighbours probably think I’m getting laid, but these are just the sounds I make whenever I take my socks off.
Boss: Why were you tardy this morning?
Me: I don’t think we’re supposed to call people that any more.
*holding banana up to my ear as if it’s a phone*
haha, get it?? it looks like i am making a phonecall. but i’m n-*banana rings* oh crap
I learned the name of my neighbor’s dog today.
In other news, I now have free wifi.
In star trek not one of those snobs orders a grilled cheese sandwich from the replicator smh
MOVIE FACT: They had to remove a shower scene in Taken because the lead actor kept watching shampoo wash onto his feet and singing “Head & Shoulders Neeson toes”.
“Your gun and your badge. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun.” – Octopus Police Chief
And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.
“The powder |
“The pow|
“The power |
“The power of Cheese |
“The power of Ch|
“The power of Christ compels you!”– The AutocorrExorcist
There’s a brewery right next to my kid’s karate class. I propose we combine these two businesses — call it ‘Hops n Chops’.
My wife has already mentally eaten half my fries before I’ve even ordered.
Cop: Pullover!
Me: It’s a cardigan.
“I’m hungry. Except for anything you made. There’s no way I’m eating that.”
– Kids
Ah..makes sense now
Sorry the drone I got for Christmas crashed into your bedroom window.
Me: thanks duckter
Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you
Putting tape over my webcam so the hackers can’t watch me take unreasonably large bites of food.
sure sex is great but have you ever had someone appreciate your music recommendations
From my Mom