You look like a snack:
-way overused
-not specific enough
-not enough affectionate noisesYou look like a moose:
-a very cute moose
-make all the boy moose go HWAAAAH
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Please don’t feel you need to explain your opinions to idiots. We do not care what you think.
Recently, I’ve been politely refusing all invitations with, “I’d rather drink my own blood.”
[high school]
ME: *getting stuffed in my locker* jokes on you buddy, I have snacks in here
“I knew Jesus when he was just a carpenter.”
-the first hipster
In my day, no one checked how old you were when you started kindergarten. We got left at the door and told to look 5.
RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts
*Goes to the store*
*Buys donughts, doughnut holes, and glue*
Stop saying I’m not a nice person, I have a pillow in my trunk.
I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
Doctor: I have good news!
Me: oh thank God
Doctor: Do you want to die?
Me: No!
Doctor: Right I thought you were gonna say yes ok I have bad news 🙁
[The Last Supper]
Waiter: *grinning slyly* Here’s a 50% off coupon for your next visit.
How much room do fungi need to grow?
As mushroom as possible.
It’s extremely difficult to search my tweets when I constantcessantly make up nonsensicalistic words and greatastic werges.
When people show up unexpectedly for dinner:
Tonight we have slow boiled hot dog sat upon Dempsters bun with a tomato puree beside carrot sticks and crispy potato patty garnished with strawberry slices
Mom: if all your friends jumped off a bridge would you jump too
Me: no
Mom: how about 1 friend
Me: what
Mom: ok no friends & a ride there
crazy how I used to get arrested for getting drunk outdoors and now it’s pretty much encouraged
A remake of The Ring, except it’s Jeff Goldblum joyfully crawling out of your TV.
When I’m feeling overwhelmed, I like to pretend I have Christmas movie problems like “Do I move back to the small town where my single Canadian handsome high school bf lives, and open a Chocolate shop?”
Why did Shrek go with Smashmouth’s All-Star and not Roxette’s “It Must’ve Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now)”
Me: My daughters are fighting non stop this summer.
Parent with sons: My boys tore off our garage door yesterday and painted 1/5 of our house orange.
If you don’t want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?
Cat scientists are hard at work trying to solve the mystery of why humans usually walk across an entire room without abruptly deciding to lie on the floor.
fedex guy: here’s your package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
[moon landing]
ME: the beagle has landed
HOUSTON: you mean eagle?
ME: (holding the puppy I snuck onboard) nope
Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.
Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago
I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.
Some people exercise every day.
I’m trying to teach my self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house.
My daughter claimed that her knife skills are better than Chef Ramsay’s. So I tossed her a potato and asked her to peel it and she said, “With a knife?”
Don’t worry Chef Ramsay, your job is safe!