Aww my microbiome fancies some high quality fermented foods does it? A little kombucha perhaps? I don’t give a shit, I’m the megabiome, I do what I want. I’m having a fanta lemon. I’ll swallow coins
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Ice cream employee: I didn’t know you had kids! You always come in by yourself.
Kids: WHAT?! MOM!It’s like she didn’t want a tip.
Me: *ziplines into wedding* “Sup nerds?” *pants get caught and tear off leaving me dangling naked upside down*
Priest: “Ooh a piñata!”
My kid when he’s in trouble will be like wow you make the best water it’s so wet like I don’t know what he’s doing
titanic
me: i wish i could go live in the woods
my phone: your screen time was up 34% this week for a daily average of 7 hours
ME: *barging into office* Now hear me out
DENTIST: You again? No I can’t make your teeth taste like chips
ME: *being carried out by 2 hygienists* CAN’T OR WON’T
Karma is my daughter bragging about getting to sleep late this week and forgetting to turn off her alarm.
I can still remember that one New Year’s Eve when I had too much to drink and peed in my neighbor’s bushes ten minutes ago
[interrogation]
COP: So you play the tuba do ya?
“No, the violin”
COP: Treble maker eh?
People come into your life for a reason. It’s annoying
today. for the first time in a long time. i checked on the skittle under the fridge. i’m happy to report it’s still there. minding its business. doing the best it can. we should all strive for such an existence
jeff bezos: i don’t like it when people say i look like an alien
therapist: well you did exploit earth’s resources
bezos: so that i can build my spaceship
therapist:
bezos: *licks eyeball*
Monkey: What is this amazing fruit
Other Monkey: they’re bananas
Monkey: I know I like them too but what are they called
How to kill a text thread in 6 letters: Hahaha
You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan
I think “How the Grinch Stole Christmas!” has given my youngest unrealistic expectations. Today, we talked about putting away the tree, and he said, “No, WE don’t have to. The Grinch is supposed to come to our house and take it away.”
just a reminder that when Shakespeare was in quarantine for the plague, he wrote the lyrics to “thong song”
*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*
Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook
The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”
[My Wedding]
Me: I do
Guests: Awww
Me: Or do I?
Guests: Ooooo
The difference between a turtle and a tortoise is the tortoise chose to race a hare and the turtle became a Ninja.
Can’t afford a deep tissue massage? Try sleeping with a toddler
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
Mom: I think I’m gonna make a twitter
Me: Mom it costs like $500 a year…
Mom: That’s expensive I’ll stick with Facebook
Me: Aww too bad
My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”
[with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved..the economy
“This is precisely the time when artists go to work. There is no time for despair, no place for self-pity, no need for silence, no room for fear. We speak, we write, we do language. That is how civilizations heal” – Toni Morrison
I’m gonna try this if it ever happens me.
[Sees girl watching Star Wars]
“Oh I love that movie, the way” *starts to sweat* “All those stars are at war with each other”