My iPhone does NOT rule my life.
Battery – Don’t worry, Siri. I got this.
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First date:
And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…
*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.
I remember when “Something’s eating up data.” meant that guy from Star Trek was deeply troubled.
Hormones are cool if you like crying during dog food commercials.
Brains are sexy
Wish everyone had one
It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.
Kids… I meant my kids.
Don’t watch nature documentaries with me unless you want more information than the narration provides.
My car won’t turn off in the garage unless I check the closet for monster trucks.
Diary
June 28 1954
So it turns out my weakness is kryptonite. I can’t tell anybody this.June 30 1954
I accidentally told Lex. Should be ok
My favorite Facebook tradition is when women wish another woman happy birthday by posting a picture together from their wedding. Like happy birthday but this is still all about me.
if someone sees a pic of you and says “wow you’re photogenic” what they’re really trying to say is that you look uglier irl
The AC guy is coming tomorrow and I expect him to fix all of my typos
When I’m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend
Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.
Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.
I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.
My ex got engaged at Christmas but apparently responding to the news with “LOL” is “a representation of everything that is wrong with me.”
COP: You seen an escaped evil octopus?
ME: No
COP: [looks up] Nice chandelier
ME: Thanks
COP: Why is it wet?
ME: Um
COP: And holding 8 guns?
My cats woke me up at 3am fighting so while they’re trying to sleep it off I think I’ll spend the whole day vacuuming
Heading to an estate sale to collect some cool stuff for my estate sale when I die.
“I wasn’t born yesterday.”
-hilarious talking baby
If you love something set it free. If it comes back, celebrate with some delicious tacos. If it doesn’t that’s twice the tacos for you.
“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.
[1st day as undercover cop]
*approaches drugdealer*
Me: “Yes hello I’d like to purchase one crack and two marijuanas please!”
*gets stabbed*
A slice of pie in the Bahamas is $2.00, in Jamaica it’s $2.50.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
Took a bunch of ibuprofen to keep my tweets from being too inflammatory
A smart Halloween costume would be an angel costume because if you died, you could just sneak your way into heaven & be like “I’m back yall”
white people be like “omg i saw this hack on tiktok” and it’s just adding salt and pepper to their chicken
“Being nice to someone costs zero dollars.”
-cheapskates
The wife says we have to eat all the stuff we’ve collected from fast food places tonight.
Looks like we’re having Taco Bell hot sauce, a bunch of salt & pepper, and a wet floor sign.