Sometimes the voices in my head get bullied by the voices in my stomach.
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My dogs have learned that whenever they hear the f-word in the kitchen, there’s now food on the floor.
The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.
“I see you’ve got one drop of pee left in you. It would be a shame if something were to… show everyone.”
– Khaki pants
[Traffic stop]
Cop: I’m gonna need to see your ID.
George Washington: *hands him a one dollar bill*
Cop: Bribery huh!? Ok, outta the car!
Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.
Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”
A haiku about getting the kids up for school:
Get up get up get
Up geT UP GET UP GET UP
Great there goes the bus
When the instructions say so easy a child could do it, I assume you mean one of those genius 12-year-olds who double major at MIT.
okay so let’s say one hypothetically walked outside and a frog landed on their shoulder. when shall they expect the locusts and boils?
Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.
There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but ask yourself, why have we never seen them all together in the same place?
A beautiful summer day, the knee hairs I missed the last 4 times shaving my legs blowing in the breeze from the car’s a/c vent.
dr: what happened here
me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him
dr: why
me: wasn’t his birthday I guess
Doctor: Can you point to where it hurts
Me: [gestures wildly towards The News]
Reasons to evacuate before a hurricane:
5. Winds
4. Flooding
3. Power outages
2. No pizza delivery
1. Wet socks
If you wear a falconry glove to the park and frantically look around the sky everyone with a small dog will leave.
So anyway, my mom and all her opinions are visiting this weekend
[Death row]
Him: Last meal request please.
Me: Wendy’s cheeseburger, fries and Coke.
Him: That stuff kills you know.
Me: Fine. Diet Coke.
Me: What’s the word for a female scientist?
Him: A scientist?
Me: No, a ‘ResearcHER,’ Haha get it?
Him: I get that we’re never going on a second date
When wood plank seating is finally abolished, it’s over for you benches
If you put Mattel dolls in a line they become a Barbie queue.
Doctor: I’m sorry, but it looks like you won’t be able to have sexual intercourse again.
Me: But I’ve only sprained my ankle.
‘Wouldn’t you like a butterscotch?’
‘Sure, just hold the butter.’
an app that shows you who NOT to date called ok stupid
People don’t frolic enough anymore.
FROLIC YOU PIECES OF SHIT
I had two eggs for breakfast. They were in the cake I ate…
Got fired from Target for testing out the Nerf guns on their logo.
Me, the boss: The most important part of your job is to not distract me by naming different kinds of delicious sausage.
New Guy: No problem. And do we-?
Me: Thats it! You’re fired!
It’s cute when kids say what they want to be when they grow up. You’re gonna write emails on the computer buddy
I’m only human — unless I have to figure out a captcha, then I am unable to prove that I am a human.